A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your boyfriend's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Playing Cards with the Colonel
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge.
The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the
door ajar.
When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it - this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."
The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the
door ajar.
When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it - this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Nice View!
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Friday, May 25, 2007
Works EveryTime!
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Playing Married
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not?" giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
We Don't Sell to Blondes
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Big Apple
A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.
'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.
The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.
'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.
The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.
Monday, May 21, 2007
The Examination
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an wrinkled old lady, entered the doctor's office.
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Friday, May 18, 2007
Puzzled Doctor
A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his member has turned orange.
The doctor looks at it and says, "I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?"
The man says no. The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, "Nothing."
The doctor is really puzzled now and says, "You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?"
The man replies, "Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos."
The doctor looks at it and says, "I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?"
The man says no. The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, "Nothing."
The doctor is really puzzled now and says, "You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?"
The man replies, "Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos."
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
The Fishing Rod
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and
reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know
which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over
to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll
drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you
need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway. He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare
graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg. test
line. It's a good all around combination,and it's on
sale this week for $44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll
take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the
salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed
but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman
could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be
$58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did
you get to $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know
which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over
to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll
drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you
need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway. He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare
graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg. test
line. It's a good all around combination,and it's on
sale this week for $44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll
take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the
salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed
but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman
could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be
$58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did
you get to $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
Blonde Deodorant
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
Friday, May 11, 2007
Hey, That's Funny! uh, Wait a Sec...
Boss (too employee): You know, experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing.
Employee: Is that so?
Boss: Knock, knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: You're fired.
Employee: Is that so?
Boss: Knock, knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: You're fired.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
A Ripe Old Age
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin!"
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin!"
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
10 Indications that You're Extremely Lazy
1. You don't have the drive and motivation to complete even the simplest of tasks like, uh, like,... ah, forget it. I wonder what's on TV?
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
A Duck walks into a bar...
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread
[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any f*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail your f*****g bill to this bar.
[Finally, after a few more minutes]
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread
[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any f*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail your f*****g bill to this bar.
[Finally, after a few more minutes]
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?
Monday, May 07, 2007
Defending a Shark Attack
"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark
attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend
that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as
possible."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend
that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as
possible."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
Friday, May 04, 2007
Two for Friday
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Public Service Announcement
IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS
Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed!!
There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere!
It goes by the street name "Beer".
All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
Please forward this link to everyone in your address book.
Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed!!
There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere!
It goes by the street name "Beer".
All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
Please forward this link to everyone in your address book.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Negotiations
"Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" asked John.
"Yes, I will." Paula replied.
"Would you do it for one thousand?" he asked.
"Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you" she answered with a wink.
"How about a BJ for $20?" responded John.
"Hey! What kind of women do you think I am?" Paula snapped, indignantly.
"That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!"
"Yes, I will." Paula replied.
"Would you do it for one thousand?" he asked.
"Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you" she answered with a wink.
"How about a BJ for $20?" responded John.
"Hey! What kind of women do you think I am?" Paula snapped, indignantly.
"That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!"
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
The Devout
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're
finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean
her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're
finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean
her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
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