The Tax Rebate and the US Economy

This week President Bush said each one of us would get a $300 tax rebate, it was $800
but they dropped it to $300 tax rebate. He wants us to save the American Economy by going out and spending the money.

But if we spend that money at Wal-Mart all the money will go to China, and if we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs. Neither will help the American economy.

The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is spend it on beer or prostitution, the only businesses still in the U.S.

Men's Room

I was barely sitting down in the men's room when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions !

Da Riddle

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

Minnesota Luck

Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd MN, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Ole and Lena

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"

"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?"

"Well, er, yes - but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

"Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?"

"Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time."

"And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time."

"OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole?

"The third time was " Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for President of the Housing Society and you needed 125 votes?"

Fact Checking

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Bumper Snicker

EXTRA - Bernanke Admits to Steroid Use by Economy

Washington DC - Today Fed Chief Ben Bernanke lowered interest rates by 3/4% after admitting that the economy had been on steroids and GDP Growth Hormone since early 2005.

In his tearful testimony before Congress (see photo) he admitted that "there was just no way that anyone could have hoped to compete for Alan Greenspan's position without a little 'extra' help." He further claimed that "all the Fed Chiefs were doing it" and that it started with just a little added liquidity here and there, "but after a while it became hard to stop... which made the withdrawal pains of raising rates over the last couple of years extremely painful."

The Indignant Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee."

The Three Nuns

Three nuns were in the church discussing various rumors about the local priest.

The first nun reported, "I was going through Father's office the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent violation of the priest's chastity vow.

"What did you do???" they asked.

"I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun.

"I poked holes in all of the condoms!"

The third nun fainted.

Semi-Pro EXCLUSIVE

Woman's Remote

Air Conditioning

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a
restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be
turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned
down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an
hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and
forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second
customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't
even have an air conditioner."

Yes, There Is Such a Thing as a Stupid Question

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

11 What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?

29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

Tracking Your Receivers

Notre Dame H.S. (Crowley, LA.) vs. Clark H.S. (New Orleans, LA.) - Nov. 9, 2007.

Note the player's ankle..... that is a police ankle bracelet!!




I guess the only question is whether he is headed for Penn State or the State Pen.

Serious Replies Only, Please

Alien Abduction

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien!"

Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remember all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

A Penny for Your Thoughts

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."

So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?"

To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

Don't Throw it Out!

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

Testimony

Attorney: "Farmer Brown, at the scene of the accident, did you not tell the officer you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the officer arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

Two for Friday

"Hey, Pal", the irate druggist shouted, "Put that cigar out while you are in my store!"

"I bought this cigar here!" claimed the Customer.

"Big Deal!", said the Druggist. "We sell condoms too."

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A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F".

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T".

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

It's Just Not Fair!

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks.

An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. "What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"

"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!"

"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your father is a real bastard!'

"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."

The Blues Brothers

In case you have a little time on your hands...