Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Winning the Lottery
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Little Rock to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
3 Men and the Mermaid
Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?"
She replied, "no sir!"
So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?"
"Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied.
The second man went out to her and asked,"Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?"
"No sir," she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked, "How did you like that?"
She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir."
The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been screwed?"
"No sir," she replied.
He said, "Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!"
She replied, "no sir!"
So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?"
"Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied.
The second man went out to her and asked,"Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?"
"No sir," she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked, "How did you like that?"
She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir."
The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been screwed?"
"No sir," she replied.
He said, "Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!"
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
All the Same
An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"
"Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg - no mattah ... all da same."
The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"
"Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg - no mattah ... all da same."
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Can't Stop
Kathy went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt. He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.
"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.
"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been doing it a lot doggie style."
"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."
"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd knows how."
"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.
"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been doing it a lot doggie style."
"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."
"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd knows how."
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Classified Ad
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: "Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed."
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Big Hole
One day Little Sally is in his back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor, seeing her there, decides to investigate.
"Whatcha doin?" he asked. Cute little Sally replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
Sally shot back, "That's because he's inside your f***in' cat!"
"Whatcha doin?" he asked. Cute little Sally replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
Sally shot back, "That's because he's inside your f***in' cat!"
Monday, July 14, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Observations on Marriage
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But, so are thunder and lightning.
2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3. Marriage is grand —- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - Either the car is new or the wife is.
6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9. Marriage and love are purely matters of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3. Marriage is grand —- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - Either the car is new or the wife is.
6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9. Marriage and love are purely matters of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Army Airborne vs. Air Force
The Army Airborne Major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.
"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force Sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."
"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force Sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Monday, July 07, 2008
Words of Wisdom
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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