More stupid questions...

 

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

 

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

 

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

 

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

 

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

 

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

 

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

 

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

 

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

 

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

 

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

 

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

 

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

 

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

 

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

 

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

 

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

 

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

 

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

 

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

 

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

 

 

A Woman's Random Thoughts

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

 

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

 

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."

 

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

 

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

 

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

 

I gave up jogging for my health -- my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

 

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

 

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

 

 

The Vibrator

A guy walks unannounced into his daughter’s bedroom. On the nightstand is a giant dildo vibrator. The guy freaks and says, "Sweetie, what’s with this?"

The daughter snatches the dildo from his hand and yells at him, "Dad, I’m 37 years old. I live at home, hate my job, I haven’t had a boyfriend in a year...I need something in my life, okay?" Her dad says, "Alright honey, I’m sorry. Don’t worry about it."

The next day the girl comes home from work. When she opens the door she sees her father sitting at the bar in the living room with a martini in one hand and the dildo in the other hand. She says, "Daaad! What are you doing?!" Her father says, "What the hell does it look like? I’m having a drink with my son-in-law."