Rollerblading

Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents you're gay.

The Bum

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

The Scuba Diver

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Animal Identification

Q: What has four legs and eight arms?

A: A pit-bull terrier at a kid's playground.

Good Time

Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care.

The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time?

"Oh", sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time."

"I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!"

3 Priests...

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.

The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty.

The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.

The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?

The Blind Clerk

A man was in a hardware store looking at a fishing pole that he really liked. He asked the guy behind the counter how much it was he said "I'm blind, but if you drop it on the ground I can tell you."

He dropped it on the ground. "That pole is $10" said the blind clerk.

The man went to bend down to pick it up, and when he did, he accidentally let go of a big audible fart. But, really wanting the fishing pole, he picked it up anyway and went to pay for it.

"That will be $20" said the clerk.

"But you said $10!" protested the man.

"Yeah - $10 for the pole, and $10 for the stink bait and duck call."

New Position

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.

Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

Motion Sick

On a cross-country bus trip, Mary became extremely queasy due to motion sickness.She make her way to the restroom,only to find it locked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried to fight off the nausea. Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the right and threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was therefore unaware of what had happened.

When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit. Turning to him, Mary said, "There now, are you feeling better?"!

Affairs of State

When George W. Bush was getting off of Air Force One in Israel recently, he walked passed the Israeli Prime Minister, who didn't seem to notice him. W turned to the PM and said, "Hi there, it's me, George Bush, the President of the USA. Why didn't you greet me?"

The Prime Minister replied, "The last time the leader of Israel spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"

How Do You Get to Des Moines?

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices.

He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

Transferral

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mail man dead on the porch.

Hold on While I Figure This Out

While recently riding on the bus standing up, a woman grabbed onto the
pole nearest her to keep herself steady while the bus traveled down the road.
She soon noticed a young man, who was also hanging on to the same pole, staring
at her. Although this was somewhat annoying, she decided to just look the other
way.

Soon the bus came to a stop. Clearing his throat, the young man said, "Excuse
me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, the woman was slightly confused. "Well," she
said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," the young man said.

The woman was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it
at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain.”

Bonus Joke for Friday

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Hello, Tech Support?

Punjab, India




I don't quite understand you, do you hear interference on YOUR END?

Speeding Blonde

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver--"PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

Interesting Statistic...

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

Age Old Wisdom

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Very Big of Me

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife."

"That's true," he replied, "as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives."

"How disgusting," she said, "you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung."

With a slight grin, he just said, "Yes, it is, and yes, I am."

Spoils of War

During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"

So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"

She replied, "In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"