Turn Downs

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

2. Memorable rebuttal to a turn down:

Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

4. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

5. Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.

6. After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at!?"

My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once...

When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

11. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

Teaching Sure is Complicated Anymore

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets
his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees
his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best
friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them
with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in
class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra
money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and
becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and
joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers
being abused her self and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with
psychologist.


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to
school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking
dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a
special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies
the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without
her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more
careful next time.


Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles
appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school
system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living
because he can't speak English.



Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers
confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed
to fly again.



Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison.

Your Tax Dollars at Work

Mark Foley looks up from his desk to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the Congressman.

"It's this internet pornography bill, Mr. Foley. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the Congressman.