Turn Downs

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

2. Memorable rebuttal to a turn down:

Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

4. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

5. Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.

6. After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at!?"

My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once...

When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

11. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

Teaching Sure is Complicated Anymore

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets
his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees
his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best
friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them
with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in
class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra
money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and
becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and
joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers
being abused her self and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with
psychologist.


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to
school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking
dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a
special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies
the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without
her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more
careful next time.


Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles
appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school
system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living
because he can't speak English.



Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers
confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed
to fly again.



Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison.

Your Tax Dollars at Work

Mark Foley looks up from his desk to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the Congressman.

"It's this internet pornography bill, Mr. Foley. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the Congressman.

Can You Tell the Difference?

Q: What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?

A: One is a flaming fascist gasbag full of hot air, and the other is a dirigible.

Finders Keepers!

A couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. They had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home an armored car passed by and a bag of money fell out, practically at Sally's feet. She picked it up and not knowing what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: $100,000.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back!"

Sally said, "finders keepers," and put the money back into the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it in the attic!"

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...."

The first FBI agent interrupted him with a heavy sigh and turned to his partner. "I told you this was a waste of time. Let's go."

How Often?

89-year-old Fred kept himself in excellent physical shape. In fact, may people mistook him for a mere 60 years of age.

When he met Barbara, an attractive 57 year old woman, they instantly hit it off. As they got to know each other better, Fred asked her how she enjoys sex.

"Infrequently" replied Barbara.

"Is that one word, or two?" asked Fred.

The Lord Will Provide

Old Mrs. Johnson awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Johnson replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Johnson to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Johnson had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

Time to Quit Drinking

Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.

He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.

The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"

20 Questions

Two Canadians get bored during a long car trip and start playing 20 questions.
The first guy thinks of a moose turd and tells the other to start guessing.

"Is it something you can eat?" his friend asks.

The first guy chuckles and replies, "I guess you could eat it, if you really wanted to."

The friend asks, "Is it a moose turd?"

Are You Going to Read This, Or What?

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him, and it's been going on for the last seven months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife goes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore?

The wife tells him, "For the last seven months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see, doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it anymore."

The doctor thinks about her story for a moment and then puts his billing sheet down on the counter and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Feel Like A Woman

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Sandwich Shop Menu

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in a deli window that says, Cheese Sandwich – $1.00, Ham Sandwich – $2.00, Hand Job – $10.00. The man walks in and approaches the incredibly attractive girl working the counter.

"Are you the one who gives the $10.00 hand job?" he asks, to which she replies, "Why, yes I am, how can I help you?"

"Go wash your hands, I want a ham sandwich."

Confucius Say...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Man who puts member in Peanut Butter jar is F#*king Nuts.

Not As Advertised

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk.

"Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

Funeral for a Pet

Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your #$%^! cat."

The Corvette

A senior citizen in Tennessee bought a brand new Corvette convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," then thought as he roared up I-94. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Tennessee State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

WWJD?

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

The Hearing Test

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response, so the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, What's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, What's for dinner?" Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

It's What's For Breakfast

My wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Then I walked in.
She turned to me and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all - right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

The Shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

General Retirement

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.

The two generals were very happy with their earnings.

Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his scrotum. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''

The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''

The general said, ''Just do it!''

The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls?''

The general said, ''I left them back in Iraq.''