Having a Great Time...

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Last Wishes

A correspondent from Fox News, one from CNN, and a tough old U.S. Marine Gunny were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The Fox News man said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

The CNN reporter said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis
were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the reporters, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

What," replied the Marine, "and have you two a-holes report that I was the aggressor?

Miss America Contestant Nails Answer

She should run for office.

Heaven and Hell

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"

St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven."

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"

"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!"

The Wine Tasting

Hilary Clinton goes into a bar...

Hilary Clinton goes into a bar with a goose. The bartender comes up to her and says, "I'm sorry, but you can't bring that pig in here."

Hilary answered, "Excuse me, but this is a goose."

So the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."

Bad Weather

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

Without looking up, my loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

CSI?

My Dad is a Father...

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar............

The Front Fell Off

This guy is supposedly an Australian Senator. More like a character from a Monty Python skit.

Post Turtle

The pollster came to town and popped in to the local watering hole to ask locals about their opinion of how good a job Bush is doing in the White House. One old man said "Well, ya know, Bush is nuthin' but a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant the pollster asked him what a "post turtle" was.

The man replied "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."

No Voice

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what he would like in a woman. He pointed to his head. His friend explained that he wanted a smart woman. Then, he rubbed his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend explained that he wanted a woman with money. Then, he opened his hands wide, bent his fingers, and made them cupped. He bounced them under his chest. His friend looked at him kinda weird.

"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

Old but Funny

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles."

"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.

Fashion Statement

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of pantyhose.

He says "When did you start wearing those?"

To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

Why is it...

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than
to improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Stephen Colbert on The O'Reilly Factor

Seeing Eye Dog

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.

"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"

The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."

"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?"

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Gorilla Problems

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

The Party to Whom I'm Speaking?

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gave her a call.

"Hello?" A woman answers.

God she sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.

I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I 'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".

The Accident

I rear ended a car a few days ago...I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

The Big Ranch in the Sky

A rancher from Western Texas died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery.

He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter...and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"

Can of Corn

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

Bottoms Up!

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"

"Fifty cents," the man answers.

Rubber

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."