Too Important to Bust

Pope Benedict arrived in New York, and waited on the curb as his luggage was loaded into the limo.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,' Would you please take your
Seat so we can leave?'

'My son,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

Not wanting to deny the Pontiff, the driver reluctantly got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Benedict floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. In no time, they heard sirens.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The President?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

Academic Standards

At Texas Tech, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the Coach Knight came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this University."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the Coach Knight said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

Political Bus Wreck

A campaign bus carrying Hilary Clinton and her entourage was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried Hilary and her crew. A few days later, the FBI came out searching for Hilary, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the passengers had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead? Even Hilary?"

The old farmer said, "Well, she said she wasn't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Fun Game for Guys

Hey, here's a fun game! Try to spot the brunette in this video. I'm told there is one. No, really!

The Bump

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

EFF the Earth Day

Warning: Language.

Ask A Pharmacist

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

Birth Defect

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

"Why?" asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

Married Life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again...

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ? '

Now That's Lazy

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

Successful Date Criteria

Age Criteria
--- --------
17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back your therapy.
48 You didn't have to meet her kids.
66 You got home alive.

Phone Home

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

Just Checking

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery.

As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"

The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"

This week

I'm out of town for a few days, so posts this weeks will be sporadic at best.

Remember to check out the archives. Keep Laughing!

-- 'slug

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

-- Douglas Adams

So it is written...

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"

Shut the Blinds

One neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you making love to your wife."

Joe responds "The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."

Shakesperean Perspective

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at the bowlegged man."

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play. Finally he finished and his mom took him out again to the mall shopping. Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"