Day After Christmas

It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco.

The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle. He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?" asked the pastor.

The little boy replied, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed and I told
Jesus if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride in it!"

The Substitute

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Who’s Jimmy Poole?" This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, you’re staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and sees written, "It Pays To Advertise."

What Will You Leave Behind?

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"

Is There No End to This Crap?

Yet More Cartoons of the Season

More Cartoons of the Season

Cartoons of the Season

Term Paper

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. 'But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?' As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. 'Well,' he responded, 'I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.'

Redneck Honeymoon

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

Haircut of the Year

Dirty URLs?

These sites sound dirty, but aren't really...


Site: GotAHoe.com
Is really: GoTahoe.com (Lake Tahoe Visitors Bureau)

Site: PenisLand.net
Is really: PenIsland.net (sells custom pens)

Site: TheRapistFinder.com
Is really: TherapistFinder.com (directory of therapists)

Site: ExpertSexChange.net
Is really: ExpertsExchange.net (data base experts site)

Site: WhorePresents.com
Is really: WhoRepresents.com (directory of agents and who they represent)

Site: PowerGenitalia.com
Is really: PowergenItalia.com (Italian power company)

Site: MolestationNursery.com
Is really: MoleStationNursery.com (a plant nursery in Mole Station, Australia)

Site: DollarSexChange.com
Is really: DollarsExchange.com (currency trading site)

and...

Site: CummingFirst.com
Is really: CummingFirst.com (yeah, well, it's the Cumming, Georgia, First Methodist Church!)

Another Census Taker Joke

A census taker, while scanning over the form to see if all spaces had been properly filled in, noticed the figures 120 and 112 under the headings, "Age of Father, if living.", and "Age of Mother, if living."

"Are your parents really that old?" asked the amazed Census Taker.

Came the reply, "Sure, if they were living."

Bathroom Humor

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian. All are at the urinals.

The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves. He says to the others, “In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.”

The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean. He says, “At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware.”

The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.

The Aussie says over his shoulder, “In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.”

Parrot Pun

Just watch...

What Else Is In A Name?

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

What's In A Name?

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy'?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...

10. Hey! Now there's a gift!

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this.

The New Guy

All the guys in the department met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked the new guy, Tom, to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. Tom replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be six minutes late.

On Saturday morning, Tom was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round. The following Saturday rolls around, and Tom says that he will be there, but he may be six minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left-handed, and again wins the round.


This continues for the next few weeks, with Tom always saying that he may be six minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing either left or right handed. The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, "Tom, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

"Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy," Tom replied. "Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed. It gives me good luck, and because of that I usually win."

"OK," one of the employees questioned. "But what happens if your wife is laying on her back?"

"In that case," Tom says, "I am six minutes late."

A Little Sensitivity Pays Off

Three Rednecks were working on a tall TV tower, Catfish, Hoss and Bubba. Catfish fell off and was killed instantly.

As the ambulance took the body away, Hoss says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Hoss says, "Where did you get that beer, Bubba?"

"Catfish's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.

"That's unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Catfish's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".