Men vs. Women

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...
- One is to let her think she is having her own way.
- The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use
two people remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

3 Legged Race

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because the he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

New Orleans

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans .

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

The Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night after leaving the neighborhood pub.

While viewing the bedroom, they noticed a big brass gong hanging above his bed.

"What's that gong doing there?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock" the drunk answered.

"A talking clock, seriously?!" asked the astonished friend.

"Yup" answered the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the drunk answered.

He picked up a large wooden mallet that was lying alongside the bed. He gave the gong a whack and stepped back. Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU DRUNKEN IDIOT!! IT'S 10 PAST 3 IN THE MORNING!!"

The Wise Retiree

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Four Guidelines for Finding the Right Woman

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans...

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money...

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex...

4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!!!

The End is Near

The long-haired hippies were standing by the side of the road in their robes with a sign reading, "THE END IS NEAR! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

"*@!#% off, you religious nuts!" a driver yelled, stomping on the gas to crash through the sign, blowing it to pieces.

From around the curve, the two hippies heard screeching tires and a big splash.
One turned to the other and asked, "Do you think the next one we make should just say, 'Bridge Out'?"

The Face Lift

A woman in her forties goes to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon tells her about a new procedure called "The Knob."

A small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head, hidden by her hair, and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift. Of course, the woman wants "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightens the knob and the effects are wonderful. The woman remains young-looking and vibrant. After 15 years, the woman returns to the surgeon.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looks at her closely and says, "My goodness, those aren't bags, those are your breasts!"

She says, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

Truth in Advertising?

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the register.
The cashier looks at the boy and says, "Hi. Are these for your mom?"

Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no."

The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your sister?"

Little Johnny says, "uh-unh."

The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be for your granny!"

Little Johnny says, "Nope."

The cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, "Well, what are you going to do with them?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, they said if I buy these I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!"

Diary from a Cruise

DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started out to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and
attentive gentleman.

DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today. Twice.

More Country Songs...

Maybe a few repeats...

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Eleven Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.The young man lowers his window.

"Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

The Brain Store

A neurobiology graduate student was working on his dissertation, and went to a brain store to get some brains to complete his lab study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brains offered at this particular store, and questions the proprietor about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" he asks.


"$3 an ounce," the shopkeeper says.

"That's not too bad," the biology student says, considering his budget. "How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"$12 an ounce," the man says.

The student thinks about the cross-section he needs to make his study rigorous and asks, "OK, how much for a fundamentalist right-wing politician's brain?"

The proprietor lifts an eyebrow and proclaims, "$1,800 an ounce."

"Why is that kind of brain so much more?" the shocked student asks.

"Listen, pal," the busy shopkeeper says. "Do you have any idea how many fundamentalist right-wing politicians we have to harvest to get one ounce of brain?!"

Welcome to Wal-Mart

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice."

Giving Us a Bad Name

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are a$$holes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”

The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m an a$$hole.”

Wiconsin Compared to the Rest of the Country

60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Wisconsin plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Superior sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Hayward gets thicker.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal
underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami all die.
People in Wisconsin close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico
People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Wisconsin start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late.

Psychology is Stupid

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Goodnight, Mom!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.