Too Many Stupid Thoughts

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
8. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months?
9. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
10. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
11. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
12. A will is a dead giveaway.
13. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
14. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
15. The guy who fell into the upholstery machine was fully recovered.
16. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'Taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
21. To jump off a Paris bridge you must be in Seine.
22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.