What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Confession
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
A Fitting Tune
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs
to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The
substitute wanted to know what to play.
'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think
of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'
During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please
stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner'.
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs
to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The
substitute wanted to know what to play.
'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think
of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'
During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please
stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner'.
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Comparing Athletic Husbands
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer."
"What does that mean? He putters around?" asked the others.
"No: He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500."
"Does that mean he has to take frequent pit stops?" the others wondered.
"No: Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic sprinter."
"Because he gives you a gold medal performance every time?" the others asked in anticipation.
"No: He's got his time down to under 11 seconds."
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer."
"What does that mean? He putters around?" asked the others.
"No: He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500."
"Does that mean he has to take frequent pit stops?" the others wondered.
"No: Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic sprinter."
"Because he gives you a gold medal performance every time?" the others asked in anticipation.
"No: He's got his time down to under 11 seconds."
Friday, August 22, 2008
Question of the Day
Why are men like pantyhose?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Hearing Aid
John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
What Would YOU do?
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
Monday, August 18, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Cure fo a Headache
Fred was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.
"I've got an awesome cure for a headache," said his buddy Frank. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet BJ. Never fails."
A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Frank. "Yeah" said Fred, "It worked great! Your house is nice, too!"
"I've got an awesome cure for a headache," said his buddy Frank. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet BJ. Never fails."
A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Frank. "Yeah" said Fred, "It worked great! Your house is nice, too!"
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Poor Choice of Words
Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?"
He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?"
He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Corrective Surgery
When the man first noticed that his member was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Not Doing Too Bad
A man went to the doctor for a check up.
"How do you feel?" asked the doctor.
"Fine." he replied.
After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?"
"About two or three." the man replied.
"You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month."
The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?"
"About two or three times." the man answered again.
"I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that."
"I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."
"How do you feel?" asked the doctor.
"Fine." he replied.
After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?"
"About two or three." the man replied.
"You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month."
The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?"
"About two or three times." the man answered again.
"I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that."
"I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."
Monday, August 11, 2008
Quickies
Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A:They drowned in Spring training.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but maybe for the toaster."
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A:They drowned in Spring training.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but maybe for the toaster."
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
What're We Talking About?
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Monday, August 04, 2008
Helping in a Time of Need
I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help.
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help.
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
