Hot Gorilla

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Bubba, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Bubba, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Bubba said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. "Third," Bubba said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed. And last of all Bubba stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

Camelback

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

Reasons that Coffee is Better Than Women

- Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
- You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
- Coffee never runs out.
- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
- You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
- When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
- Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
- Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
- White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
- Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.
- You can always heat up coffee.
- Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
- If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

Blind Identification

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills. He said that if they blindfolded him, he could recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, after locating the bullet hole, could even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said he was willing to prove it if the other patrons would put up the drinks. So the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and said, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and fell asleep. The next morning he saw in the mirror that he had a huge black eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties and yelled, ‘Skunk. Killed with an axe.’”

The Italian Grandma

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson
who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.
I am inna apartmenta 301 .

There issa bigga panel at the front door.
With you elbow pusha button 301.
I will Buzza you in.

Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left.
With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but,
why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

What . . . . . . . .. You comin' empty handed ? "

The Chase

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, then examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and it's the end of my shift," he said. "I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Top Ten Accident Excuses

10. My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

9. I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.

8. Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don't have.

7. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.

6. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. The guy was all over he road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

4. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.

3. I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.

2. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go--so I ran over him.

And the #1 excuse is:

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Size Doesn't Matter... Much

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty surprising:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

Long Day at the Office, eh?

After a particularly rough day at the office, a guy drives by his favorite bar for a quick drink. But things get out of control and before long he’s as drunk as he’s ever been. He looks at his watch: "Oh shoot, I've got to get home to my wife and kids!" He pushes his chair back from the table and stands up, only to fall flat on his face. Once again he tries to stand up, but his legs just aren't cooperating. "I've never been this drunk before," he giggles to himself.

Slowly he manages to get up on all four and determined to get home, he begins to army crawl. After what seems like hours, he reaches his front door, manages to get the door open, and quietly slips into bed next to his lovely wife.

The next morning he awakes to the angry face of his wife. "You got drunk again last night, didn't you?" she says.

He puts on his best poker face and says, "Honey, I love you more than anything. I swear to you from the bottom of my heart I didn't drink last night. I just had a very long and hard day at the office."

"Well, I love you and I want to believe you," the wife says. "But the bartender called and said you left your wheelchair at the bar."

The Ventriloquist

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi, "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

The Welfare Recipient

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.....you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holidays trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're puttin' me on!"

The social worker says, " Yeah,! well.. ......you started it."

Oh, Right.

A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.

The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"

Montana Cowboy Story

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally , he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."

The Audit

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"

Man of the House

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.

"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

How Countries Get Named

Years ago, three explorers were in the new world hiking through a vast forest in the great white north.

"You know," said the first explorer, "we should name this vast forest we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Good idea," said the third explorer. "You go first."

"Okay," said the first explorer. "C, eh?"

"My turn," said the second explorer. "N, eh?."

Unfortunately, before the third explorer could choose a letter, a bear jumped out of the trees and killed and ate all three explorers. Eventually, some guy came along and named the country after his aunt.

New Dentures

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Smithson for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"

The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the nuts."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"

"Well," the second man answered, "that was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

Get Away from my Deer!

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Caught in the Jungle

One day three buddies Fred, Lou, and Joe were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.

Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, 'Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food.

Fred came back first, approached the altar, and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up his ass. The servants did their duty, and left him lying on theground screaming.

Then Lou came back with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Fred was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Lou had several apples in his ass and he was laughing. He asked him 'What the hell are you laughing about?'

Laughing, Lou replied 'Joe's coming back with a watermelon!'

Catholic Mass in Wisconsin

Girl Power

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."