He's Crazy

Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 60-pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts!

The Confession

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"

Let's Be Honest

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, "I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker." The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, "I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town."

The Parapalegic

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Buckle Up!

Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Dallas Cowboys Receiver Terrell Owens and asked that he fasten his seat belt. "Superman don't need no seat belt," Owens growled.

"Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need no airplane, either!"

If at first you don't succeed...

then skydiving isn't for you.

Telepathic Watch

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

Say it With Flowers

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

She rolled her eyes and said, "Here comes the jerk with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

Her friend promptly replied, "Don't you have a vase?"

Battle of the Sexist Jokes

If men had PMS, what would happen?

a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent
disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said "Implants?"

Nun Too Pleased

Three Hells Angels are sitting at the counter in a diner when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got drunk off our asses."

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my old lady next year."

Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.

In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry my mom."

The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards please pass the salt."

Close Encounters

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.

"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.

"Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.

"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?"

The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."

The Stutterer

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"

World Affairs, eh?

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.

"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"

"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."

"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beirut?"

Anjelah Johnson - Nail Salon

Are you Prepared?

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Fill 'er up!

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What are
you doin?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says,
"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The
milkman filled her this morning."

Do You Remember What Day It Is?

"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to
her husband as he made his way out the front door.

The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:
"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that,
he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the
door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed
red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite
chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer
dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied
that he had recovered what could have been a very bad
situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the
chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never
had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Chad Vader

The Force is strong in Darth's younger brother Chad, but his managerial (and people) skills? Not so much.

Price Check

Norm walks over to the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him.

He stops, bangs on the window and says, "So, what does this cost?"

The hooker replies, "25 dollars!"

So Norm says, "Gee, that's a good deal for insulated windows!"