The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't
- I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
- Mind if I use your laptop?
- Put this in my box before you leave.
- I want it on my desk now!
- Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid.
- My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!
- It's an entry level position.
- When do you think you'll be getting off today?
- It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
On, Wisconsin!
A guy walks into a Wisconsin bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing an Iowa football jersey and helmet, and is festooned
with Iowa pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to
leave."
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the
TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we
can see the game."
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning
him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any
trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar
and watch the game.
The big game begins with Iowa receiving the kickoff. They
march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and
down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's the most amazing thing I've ever
seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
The owner replies,
"I don't know, I've only had him for three years."
The dog is wearing an Iowa football jersey and helmet, and is festooned
with Iowa pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to
leave."
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the
TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we
can see the game."
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning
him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any
trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar
and watch the game.
The big game begins with Iowa receiving the kickoff. They
march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and
down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's the most amazing thing I've ever
seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
The owner replies,
"I don't know, I've only had him for three years."
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Mother Teresa?
Two GIs were wandering the streets of Calcutta when an old woman walked by.
"Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa."
"Your nuts."
"I'm telling you."
So they approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?"
The old lady eyed them scornfully. "$!#@ off, you #@!*! perverts," she hissed, striding off.
"Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now we'll never know."
"Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa."
"Your nuts."
"I'm telling you."
So they approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?"
The old lady eyed them scornfully. "$!#@ off, you #@!*! perverts," she hissed, striding off.
"Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now we'll never know."
Monday, September 24, 2007
The Emporer's Phone Call
If you're not watching Robot Chicken on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, you're missing some hilarious stuff from Seth Green... Here is a sample from their Star Wars episode.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Hmmm, How to Decide...
A man has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She buys new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, home theater surround-sound system, and the latest cell phone and gives them all to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I'm investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Which girl should he decide to marry?
The one with the largest breasts.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She buys new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, home theater surround-sound system, and the latest cell phone and gives them all to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I'm investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Which girl should he decide to marry?
The one with the largest breasts.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Conditions
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch member."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch member."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
So a pirate walks into a bar...
... and swaggers up to the barkeep and demands a glass of rum. I believe his exact words were "Your rum or your life, dog, what'll it be?".
And so the bartender, being a reasonable fellow, makes no complaint but simply grabs a large glass, a bottle of fine dark rum, and begins to pour. And while he's waiting for the glass to fill, he sizes up the pirate, having never seen a real honest-to-God pirate before.
This pirate is in full pirate gear. Gold earrings, patch over the eye, a big filthy white blouse covering his swarthy chest, tattoos everywhere, all of it. But protruding from his pirate trousers is the unmistakable form of a steering wheel.
Well, the bartender sees that the glass of rum is just about topped off, so he passes the glass across the bar to the pirate, who nods curtly and takes a huge swig of the rum. Slapping a dubloon on the bartop, he turns to walk away, when our bartender's curiousity gets the best of him.
"Wait, one second. What's up with the steering wheel?"
And the pirate turns back and fixes him with a beady glare from his lone eye. "Arrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day! Arrrggh!
And so the bartender, being a reasonable fellow, makes no complaint but simply grabs a large glass, a bottle of fine dark rum, and begins to pour. And while he's waiting for the glass to fill, he sizes up the pirate, having never seen a real honest-to-God pirate before.
This pirate is in full pirate gear. Gold earrings, patch over the eye, a big filthy white blouse covering his swarthy chest, tattoos everywhere, all of it. But protruding from his pirate trousers is the unmistakable form of a steering wheel.
Well, the bartender sees that the glass of rum is just about topped off, so he passes the glass across the bar to the pirate, who nods curtly and takes a huge swig of the rum. Slapping a dubloon on the bartop, he turns to walk away, when our bartender's curiousity gets the best of him.
"Wait, one second. What's up with the steering wheel?"
And the pirate turns back and fixes him with a beady glare from his lone eye. "Arrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day! Arrrggh!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
The Rookie
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."
Friday, September 14, 2007
Texas Baby
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Better Than Old Times
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Best in Show
There was a kilt-wearing Scotsman who was too drunk to walk home from the pub. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. He would walk home the next morning after he was sober, he thought.
In the morning two little girls are walking by on their way to school when they see the sleeping man wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decides to lift up his kilt. She sees he's not wearing anything underneath, so she takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school.
After a little while, the man wakes up and nature is calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his Scottish accent, "Wee man, I don't know where ya been, but ya won first prize!"
In the morning two little girls are walking by on their way to school when they see the sleeping man wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decides to lift up his kilt. She sees he's not wearing anything underneath, so she takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school.
After a little while, the man wakes up and nature is calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his Scottish accent, "Wee man, I don't know where ya been, but ya won first prize!"
Monday, September 10, 2007
Pillow Talk
New Bride: Is this really your third marriage?
Husband: Sure is.
New Bride: What happened to your first two wives?
Husband: They died.
New Bride: How did your first wife die?
Husband: She ate some poisonous mushrooms.
New Bride: What about your second wife?
Husband: She died from a severe skull fracture.
New Bride: How did she get a skull fracture?
Husband: She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
Husband: Sure is.
New Bride: What happened to your first two wives?
Husband: They died.
New Bride: How did your first wife die?
Husband: She ate some poisonous mushrooms.
New Bride: What about your second wife?
Husband: She died from a severe skull fracture.
New Bride: How did she get a skull fracture?
Husband: She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
Friday, September 07, 2007
You Wish What?
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
Thursday, September 06, 2007
A correspondent from Fox News, one from CNN, and a tough old U.S. Marine Gunny were
all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists
told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded .
The Fox News said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last
bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling
who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said,
"Now I can die content."
Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take
out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's
about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know
that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is
your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9
mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the
resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis
were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask
them to kick you in the ass first?"
What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report
that I was the aggressor?
all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists
told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded .
The Fox News said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last
bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling
who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said,
"Now I can die content."
Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take
out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's
about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know
that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is
your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9
mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the
resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis
were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask
them to kick you in the ass first?"
What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report
that I was the aggressor?
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Super-size me!
A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. "What's this!?" demands the grandfather.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Gramps.
The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Oh, big enough to fit a camel."
"It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Gramps.
The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Oh, big enough to fit a camel."
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Horse and Chicken
There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his member and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his member and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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