Thank You Letter

Dear Reyer School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces.

It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go f*ck herself.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston

Charge?

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

Best Little Podiatrist in Texas...

An extremely drunk man looking for a brothel stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his member and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screams the nurse on duty.

"Damn!" the drunk exclaims, "I never knew you had a minimum!"

What're You In For?

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

Airline Food

Tower: "American 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

American 702: "Tower, American 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "United 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from American?"

United 635: "United 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied American and we've already notified our caterers."

Happy Fortieth

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Nudge Nudge Wink Wink

Since he was young, Joe had always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid.

Fred had a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

The Talk

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love...... He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Have You Ever Seen This Before?

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

The Lord's Prayer

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

Cross Examination

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

What's In A Name

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."

The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown."

"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you."

Expert Advisor

A man brags to his buddy, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my f---ing advice, they'd let me know."

He Said, She Said

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't that heavy.

GIRL : Why don't you ever say you love me?
BOY : OK, You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY : That's the least I could do, what's your phone number?

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?

BOY : I love you so much I would die for you!
GIRL : When?

BOY : I love you so much I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : I'll help you pack.

MAN : When I look in your eyes, I'm reminded of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm restless, romantic and exciting?
MAN : No, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of CO-INCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.