Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow
me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and
made funny noises.

My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and
give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where
do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Employee of the Month

The Playboy Bunnies

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab. On their first night out they find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next day they find an entire field full of female rabbits. They all do what rabbits do best, and the trio sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says the first one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little girl rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

The Blown Job

A guy is spending the holidays with his girlfriend’s family. They’re sleeping in separate bedrooms, and one night before they go off to bed the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Baby, would you give me a blowjob?"

"Are you crazy?" she says. "My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

This goes on for a minute or two when, out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down and do it himself. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom...."

Celebration

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to lovely a female patron.

 

He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

 

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too".

 

She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

 

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

 

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!

 

How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

 

"I switched cocks," he replied.

 

"What a coincidence!" she said.

 

 

Our Aim...

Twenty Dollar Bills

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

17 Facts of Life

1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

 

2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

 

3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

 

4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

 

5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

 

6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

 

7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

 

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

 

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

 

10. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

 

11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

 

12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

 

13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

 

14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

 

15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

 

16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

 

17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.

 

Longer Password Required

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password... Something he will use to log on.

 

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the  shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

 

P...
E...
N...
I...
S...

 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

 

"PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH"

 

 

Magazine For Married Men

Cat Haikus

 

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

 

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

 

There's no dignity
In being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.

 

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.

 

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.

 

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.

 

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.

 

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.

 

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?

 

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

 

My affection is
conditional. Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.

 

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.

 

I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.

 

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

 

Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.

 

 

Caring Men

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Industrious Blonde

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decides to hire herself out as a handyman-type and starts canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She goes to the front door of the first house and asks the owner if he has any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," the man says. "How much do you charge?"

The blonde says, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agrees and tells her that the paint and ladders that she might need are in the garage. A short time later, the blonde comes back to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the man says. "Yes," the blonde answers, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reaches in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde adds, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Drugs are Bad, Mmm'Kay?

Two young guys are picked up by the cops for smoking dope – they appear in court on Friday. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

On Monday, the two guys are back in court. The judge says to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles like this - O o - and told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable!" the judge says. He turns to the second guy. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"One-hundred fifty six people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles - o O - and said, pointing to the small circle, "This is your rectum before prison..."

Hiring Practices

A man was hiring a new administrative assistant, and decided to test the honesty of the candidates. Before each one came in, he placed a $20 bill on the floor in front of his desk where they could see it, but he couldn't.

The first candidate came in, immediately picked up the money and gave it to him. The second didn't say anything, but kept glancing at the money. The third placed her handbag by the desk, and when she left, the man discovered the money was gone too.

Which candidate did the man hire?

The one with the biggest breasts.

My Patents

I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

Brokeback Sheriffs

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Jack because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Jack and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Jack snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Jack shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.? "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Jack into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

More stupid questions...

 

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

 

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

 

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

 

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

 

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

 

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

 

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

 

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

 

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

 

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

 

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

 

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

 

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

 

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

 

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

 

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

 

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

 

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

 

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

 

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

 

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

 

 

A Woman's Random Thoughts

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

 

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

 

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."

 

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

 

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

 

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

 

I gave up jogging for my health -- my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

 

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

 

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

 

 

The Vibrator

A guy walks unannounced into his daughter’s bedroom. On the nightstand is a giant dildo vibrator. The guy freaks and says, "Sweetie, what’s with this?"

The daughter snatches the dildo from his hand and yells at him, "Dad, I’m 37 years old. I live at home, hate my job, I haven’t had a boyfriend in a year...I need something in my life, okay?" Her dad says, "Alright honey, I’m sorry. Don’t worry about it."

The next day the girl comes home from work. When she opens the door she sees her father sitting at the bar in the living room with a martini in one hand and the dildo in the other hand. She says, "Daaad! What are you doing?!" Her father says, "What the hell does it look like? I’m having a drink with my son-in-law."

Little Dolly Madison

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair. The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."

Hypothetical Question

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.


On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.


Question: What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round" and call a cab. YOU'RE DRUNK !

Sigh - Another Golf Joke

John and his friend are shooting a round of golf one Wednesday afternoon. They get to the 8th hole when John's tee shot lands in the bunker. He’s taking his time, so he can hit his best shot. Just before he’s about to hit his shot, he notices a funeral procession going down the street next to the golf course. John removes his cap and bows his head until the procession passes completely.

John's friend is moved by this compassion. He says, "John, that was really sensitive and compassionate. I'm impressed." Johns responds, "Well, I was married to her for seven years, it’s the least I could do."

Gas Promotion

A gas station in Arkansas was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week!"

The Haircut Joke

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

72 Virgins?