Pulling Rank

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could put
your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trayzy-poo,
so the main man can pit! ty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a queen, so I outrank
you."

"Tray up, bitch."

Allergies?

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue,
gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen
seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the
woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her
nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have
never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking
anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Full Disclosure

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in
love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the
relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his lady
friend.

"I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd
better say so now."

"Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, here goes," she
replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," John replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your
left wrist straight on your follow-through."

Q: What's the difference...

... between a wife and a girlfriend?

A:About 45 pounds!

Q:What is the difference between a huband and a boyfriend?

A:About 45 minutes !

R.I.P. Bubba

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

I've Got a Tee Time...

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Golf and Prayer

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

The Golfer and St. Peter

A golfer gets up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St.Peter saw him coming and asked, "So you're a golfer, eh? Are you any good?"

To which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

What's Par?

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

Knowing your way around the course

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name
is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around
the course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight, that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up seven times!"

The Sign Interpreter

The New York mafia hires a deaf-mute man to collect its protection money, figuring he can’t sing if he gets caught. In his first week the collector picks up more than $50,000. The second week he stashes the money and tries to leave town, but the mafia guys catch him and use an interpreter to grill him.

"Ask him where the money is," says the don. The interpreter signs, "Where’s the money?"

The collector signs, "I don’t know what you’re talking about," and the interpreter says, "He don’t know what you’re talking about." The don then pulls out a .38 and puts it in the deaf guy’s ear.

"Now ask him where the money is."

The deaf man signs frantically, "It’s in Central Park, in the third tree stump on ..."

The interpreter says, "He says he still don’t know what you’re talking about, and that you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger."

When in Rome...

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The
second spy quickly shushes him and whispers, "Don't blow our cover. You're in
America now. Speak Spanish."

Anybody, Anytime, Anywhere

A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a good-looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

"Hi there, good looking. How's it going?" he asked.

The woman looked him straight in the eye and said:

"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!"

"No kidding!" said the man. "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Downsizing

The boss was in a quandary. He had to downsize somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision. They were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one to use the water cooler the next morning. Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like crap."

School Answering Machine

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California ) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.


The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the
teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up... and have a nice day!

Why Chuck Norris Totally Rules

1) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2) When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

3) Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

4) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

5) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

6) If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you! in the face.

7) Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

8) Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

9) Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Then proceeded to roundhouse kick him in the face.

10) Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

11) Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

12) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

13) Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

14) Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

15) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

17) Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

18) Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

19) To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

20) There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

21) Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

22) There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

23) Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

24) The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

25) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

26) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

27) When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

28) It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

29) Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Wally's Rules for Looking Busy

1 - Never walk without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2 - Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3 - Keep a messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4 - Use voice mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want you to do work for them. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice-mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5 - Look impatient & annoyed.
One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6 - Leave the office late.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mail at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 p.m., 7:05 a.m., etc.) and during public holidays.

7 - Use sighing for effect.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8 - Opt for the stacking strategy.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9 - Build your vocabulary.
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember; they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10 - Don't get caught.
MOST IMPORTANT: Don't forward this page's URL to your boss by mistake!

Cannibal Cafe

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened
by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Lawyer: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the lawyer?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

A Little Sex

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the damn bed!"

I'm A Fan!

A first grade teacher in Knoxville, Tennessee, explained to her class
that she was a Tennessee fan. She asked her students to raise their
hands if they, too, were Tennessee fans. Everyone in the class raised

their hand except for one little girl.

The teacher looked at the little girl with surprise and said, "Janie,
why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I am not a Tennessee fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Tennessee
fan, what kind of a fan are you?"

"I'm a Memphis fan," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, WHY are you a Memphis fan?"

"Because my mom is a Memphis fan, my dad is a Memphis fan, so I am a
Memphis fan also."

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no
reason for you to be a Memphis fan. You don't have to be just like
your parents all the time. What if your mom was a stupid, arrogant
jackass and your dad was a stupid, arrogant jackass, what would you be
then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "We'd be Tennessee fans."

Cajun Pregnancy

Way down in Louisiana , Bubba's lady had been pregnant for some time, and
now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor
began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over
at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!"

"Aint dat grand!!" said Bubba, proudly.

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
"Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!! She a pretty lil ting,
too."

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet! "

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!"

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of
Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do. "

Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"

Boudreaux

Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows.

She whispers, "Twenty dollars."

He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the
hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a while when all of a sudden a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I until you shined that
light in her face."

The Blonde Game

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.

The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"

At that number, the blonde agrees.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.

"Got it," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.

Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"

She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

My Brother Does It

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about 85 mph. Up comes a red light and Bob goes right through it.
Bill turnes to Bob and says, "What the hell are you doing?"

Bob says, "Don't worry�my brother does it all the time." So on they go, and � bam! � 85 mph through another red light!

Again Bob says, "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" Then they're driving along and coming up on another red light, and as soon as it turns green, Bob jams on the breaks and skids to a stop!

Bill looks over and says, "What the hell is wrong with you, you jerk? The damn light is green. Why did you stop?"

Bob says, "My brother may have been coming the other way!"

Tonto and the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes
the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Saby, look towards the sky -- what do you
see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you,
Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo patties. Someone stole the tent."