Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating #$$hole!!"
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The Ag Inspector
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
talked with the old farmer;
"I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a "wise " tone "I have the
authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to
go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard
loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture representative running
for the fence, close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was
madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.
The Old farmer called out: "Show him your card!"
talked with the old farmer;
"I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a "wise " tone "I have the
authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to
go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard
loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture representative running
for the fence, close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was
madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.
The Old farmer called out: "Show him your card!"
Monday, January 29, 2007
Another Talking Dog in a Bar Joke
A man walks into a bar with his dog. He sits down, and the dog plops onto the stool beside him. The man says, "Give me a shot of whiskey, and Fred here will have a beer."
The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy, that dog can't be in here."
Man says, "But Fred's special. He can talk. Show him, Fred."
So the dog says, "I'd like a beer."
The bartender isn't convinced. "Look, buddy, I don't know what kind of ventriloquist act you're pulling here, but that dog can't stay."
The man says, "Ok, look: I'll go in the bathroom and close the door. Fred, you then order a beer. This will prove it."
Guy goes to the bathroom, closes the door, and Fred looks at the bartender and says, "I'd like a beer."
"Wow," the bartender says, "this is awesome. You can talk! Hey, I want you to do something for me. Take this $ 20 bill, run across the street to Sam's bar and order a beer. It will freak him out!"
So Fred takes the $20 bill in his mouth and heads out the door. Guy comes out of the bathroom, says, "Where's Fred?" The bartender tells him what he did, and the man says, "Oh, no!" and rushes out the door. Once outside, he finds Fred in a side alley, humping a female dog for all she's worth.
"Fred," he yells, "what's gotten into you? You've never done this before!"
Fred looks up and says, "That's cause I never had $ 20 before."
The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy, that dog can't be in here."
Man says, "But Fred's special. He can talk. Show him, Fred."
So the dog says, "I'd like a beer."
The bartender isn't convinced. "Look, buddy, I don't know what kind of ventriloquist act you're pulling here, but that dog can't stay."
The man says, "Ok, look: I'll go in the bathroom and close the door. Fred, you then order a beer. This will prove it."
Guy goes to the bathroom, closes the door, and Fred looks at the bartender and says, "I'd like a beer."
"Wow," the bartender says, "this is awesome. You can talk! Hey, I want you to do something for me. Take this $ 20 bill, run across the street to Sam's bar and order a beer. It will freak him out!"
So Fred takes the $20 bill in his mouth and heads out the door. Guy comes out of the bathroom, says, "Where's Fred?" The bartender tells him what he did, and the man says, "Oh, no!" and rushes out the door. Once outside, he finds Fred in a side alley, humping a female dog for all she's worth.
"Fred," he yells, "what's gotten into you? You've never done this before!"
Fred looks up and says, "That's cause I never had $ 20 before."
Friday, January 26, 2007
More Golf Advice
A woman is taking golf lessons from a pro. After several sessions, the pro suggests she play a round and come back and report how she played. The woman comes to the pro shop the next day after playing eighteen holes. The pro asks how she liked her round, and she replies, " I enjoyed it very much, but I was stung by a bee."
"Where were you stung?" he asks.
"Between the first and second holes," she says. The pro replies, "Well, maybe you should close up your stance a little."
"Where were you stung?" he asks.
"Between the first and second holes," she says. The pro replies, "Well, maybe you should close up your stance a little."
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The Golf Lesson
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The estatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's member."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold the club in your hands...."
"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The estatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's member."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold the club in your hands...."
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
25 Comments for Women from Men
1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Investment Outlook 2007
From the Investment Firm of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe come these investment tips for 2007.
With market values at record highs the amounts of cash that Corporate America currently has on its hands, 2007 will be a big year for Mergers and Acquisitions. D,C,&H recommend taking positions in the names that follow, as above average returns should result.
Here are the consolidations expected in 2007:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R.Grace will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally..........
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang!
With market values at record highs the amounts of cash that Corporate America currently has on its hands, 2007 will be a big year for Mergers and Acquisitions. D,C,&H recommend taking positions in the names that follow, as above average returns should result.
Here are the consolidations expected in 2007:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R.Grace will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally..........
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang!
Monday, January 22, 2007
The Miracle
Mabel was 92 years old and had always been a faithful member of Father MacGuire's congregation. One day last fall, she had taken ill, and Father MacGuire noticed that she had not been coming to church lately.
It was now early spring, and Father MacGuire decided he had better go out to Mabel's place to see if she was alright. When he got there, Mabel greeted him at the door, the picture of health, bouncing like a spring chicken. She invited him in, and she explained that she had been sick in the fall, but she had quite a miraculous recovery and was now feeling better than ever. She offered to get him lemonade, which he accepted.
While she was in the kitchen fetching the lemonade, Father Macguire looked around the room, and noticed that her home was decorated with lovely antique colonial furniture, including a handsome pump organ against one wall. On top of the organ sat a bowl of water, which appeared to have a condom floating in it. He did a double take, cleaned his glasses, and looked again. Indeed there was a condom floating in the water in the bowl atop the organ.
He tried to ignore it, and proceeded to have a pleasant chat with Mabel when she returned with the lemonade. After a while, it was time to leave. But before he did, he asked her, "Mabel, it has been lovely chatting with you, and I look forward to seeing back in church. But I've just got to find out one thing - what *is* that in the bowl?"
"Oh, that? That's a miracle!" said Mabel.
"A miracle? How so?" asked Father.
"Well, one day back when I wasn't feeling so well, I gathered up my strength to go for a short walk to get some fresh air. Near the bushes I found this little package. On the label it read 'For the prevention of disease, place on organ and keep moist..."
It was now early spring, and Father MacGuire decided he had better go out to Mabel's place to see if she was alright. When he got there, Mabel greeted him at the door, the picture of health, bouncing like a spring chicken. She invited him in, and she explained that she had been sick in the fall, but she had quite a miraculous recovery and was now feeling better than ever. She offered to get him lemonade, which he accepted.
While she was in the kitchen fetching the lemonade, Father Macguire looked around the room, and noticed that her home was decorated with lovely antique colonial furniture, including a handsome pump organ against one wall. On top of the organ sat a bowl of water, which appeared to have a condom floating in it. He did a double take, cleaned his glasses, and looked again. Indeed there was a condom floating in the water in the bowl atop the organ.
He tried to ignore it, and proceeded to have a pleasant chat with Mabel when she returned with the lemonade. After a while, it was time to leave. But before he did, he asked her, "Mabel, it has been lovely chatting with you, and I look forward to seeing back in church. But I've just got to find out one thing - what *is* that in the bowl?"
"Oh, that? That's a miracle!" said Mabel.
"A miracle? How so?" asked Father.
"Well, one day back when I wasn't feeling so well, I gathered up my strength to go for a short walk to get some fresh air. Near the bushes I found this little package. On the label it read 'For the prevention of disease, place on organ and keep moist..."
Friday, January 19, 2007
Backseat Cook
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I he said. Be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I he said. Be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Priorities
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Rye Bread or Wonder Bread?
Two old guys, one 79 and one 83, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 83 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 79 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 83 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 79 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me!"
The 83 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 79 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 83 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 79 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me!"
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
The Fishing Trip
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
Monday, January 15, 2007
I'll Never Attempt That Shot Again!
A husband and wife are out on the golf course. They get to the fourth hole and the man hooks his drive right behind the maintenance shed. When they get to the ball they notice there's a door, which they open – they can see a door on the other end.
The wife says, "Don't worry, dear. I'll just go around to the other side and open that door - then you can just hit your shot through both doors and onto the green."
The man says "That's a hard shot, but okay, I'll give it a try."
So the woman goes around and opens the door and meanwhile, the man is lining up the shot and taking his time. He sets up, then backs off. Sets up, then backs off. Finally, just as he's ready to hit his wife sticks her head through the doorway to see what's taking so long and BAM! The woman is struck in the head and killed instantly.
Two weeks later, the same man is out with his friend on the same course. They come to the fourth hole and lo and behold, the man hooks his drive right behind the maintenance shed. They both walk over to his ball whereupon his friend notices the door, opens it, and notices the door on the other end.
His buddy volunteers, "I'll just go around the other side and open the other door and you can just hit your ball through the doors and onto the green."
To which the man replied, "No effing way. The last time I tried that I took a 7!"
The wife says, "Don't worry, dear. I'll just go around to the other side and open that door - then you can just hit your shot through both doors and onto the green."
The man says "That's a hard shot, but okay, I'll give it a try."
So the woman goes around and opens the door and meanwhile, the man is lining up the shot and taking his time. He sets up, then backs off. Sets up, then backs off. Finally, just as he's ready to hit his wife sticks her head through the doorway to see what's taking so long and BAM! The woman is struck in the head and killed instantly.
Two weeks later, the same man is out with his friend on the same course. They come to the fourth hole and lo and behold, the man hooks his drive right behind the maintenance shed. They both walk over to his ball whereupon his friend notices the door, opens it, and notices the door on the other end.
His buddy volunteers, "I'll just go around the other side and open the other door and you can just hit your ball through the doors and onto the green."
To which the man replied, "No effing way. The last time I tried that I took a 7!"
Friday, January 12, 2007
Birthday Sex
Ted was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Ted decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Ted replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Ted decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Ted replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Blonde Carpenters
Two blondes drive into a lumberyard. The passenger gets out of the truck, walks up to a worker, and says she needs a bunch of four-by-twos.
"You mean two-by-fours?" the worker asks.
"Hm, I'm not sure," the blonde says. "I'll go check."
She walks back to the truck, and the two blondes consult a book.
"Yeah," she says after getting the answer. "I meant two-by-fours."
"All right," says the worker. "How long do you need them?"
This time, the sweet young thing didn't even need to consult the book.
"A really long time," she says. "We're gonna build a house."
"You mean two-by-fours?" the worker asks.
"Hm, I'm not sure," the blonde says. "I'll go check."
She walks back to the truck, and the two blondes consult a book.
"Yeah," she says after getting the answer. "I meant two-by-fours."
"All right," says the worker. "How long do you need them?"
This time, the sweet young thing didn't even need to consult the book.
"A really long time," she says. "We're gonna build a house."
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Winning Him Back
It was with much dismay that Janet discovered her husband Henry had a mistress. Rachael, however, was not the sort to kill the golden goose; rather, she decided to find out what the mistress had that she didn't in an effort to win him back.
After a long interrogation Henry finally relented. "Well, to tell you the truth, Janet, you are too cold," he said. "When we make love you don't do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling."
Is that all? thought Janet. Is that really all there is to it?
That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Henry a shot of his favorite cognac and got him into bed. As he started getting heated up she decided to give him her most passionate moans and groans.
"Oh Henry, darling!" she began. "I've had the most terrible day! Our shares dropped two points, the maid quit, and you don't give me enough housekeeping money...."
After a long interrogation Henry finally relented. "Well, to tell you the truth, Janet, you are too cold," he said. "When we make love you don't do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling."
Is that all? thought Janet. Is that really all there is to it?
That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Henry a shot of his favorite cognac and got him into bed. As he started getting heated up she decided to give him her most passionate moans and groans.
"Oh Henry, darling!" she began. "I've had the most terrible day! Our shares dropped two points, the maid quit, and you don't give me enough housekeeping money...."
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
See You in The Fall
A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive, so he got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.
The time came for the redneck’s jump. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck jumped and, a few seconds later, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed. But when he pulled his rip cord, the chute didn’t open. The instructor, frantically trying to open his parachute, plunged past the redneck. Seeing this, the redneck unbuckled the straps to his parachute, yelling, "So you wanna race, huh?"
The time came for the redneck’s jump. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck jumped and, a few seconds later, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed. But when he pulled his rip cord, the chute didn’t open. The instructor, frantically trying to open his parachute, plunged past the redneck. Seeing this, the redneck unbuckled the straps to his parachute, yelling, "So you wanna race, huh?"
Monday, January 08, 2007
Amoral to the Story
The teacher gave her sixth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnnie, do you have a story to share?" the teacher said, getting to her most troublesome student.
"Yes ma'am," he said.
"My daddy told a story about my Grandpa. He was a pilot in World War 2 and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
"He drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then he killed the last German with his bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Gramps when he's drinking!"
"Johnnie, do you have a story to share?" the teacher said, getting to her most troublesome student.
"Yes ma'am," he said.
"My daddy told a story about my Grandpa. He was a pilot in World War 2 and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
"He drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then he killed the last German with his bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Gramps when he's drinking!"
Friday, January 05, 2007
New Baby
Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside and said, "I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh, my goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean it has a penis and a brain? WOW!! That doesn't happen often, does it?!"
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh, my goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean it has a penis and a brain? WOW!! That doesn't happen often, does it?!"
Thursday, January 04, 2007
The Grand Prize?
Candi met Jim at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom. Jim noticed hunders of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on the top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her book case. After they had sex, Jim asked, "So.. how was it?"
"Well," Candi said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
"Well," Candi said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
The Knife Juggling Joke
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys from Illinois in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys from Illinois in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Dog Crimes
A pit bull and a great Dane meet at the vet’s office. The great Dane says, "What are you here for?"
The pit bull says, "There’s this little boy who lives next door to us, and he’s always climbing the fence into our yard. The last time he did it, he came over and yanked on my ears and it really hurt, so I bit him. Now I’m being put to sleep."
The great Dane expresses his shock at the unfairness of this. Then the pit bull asks, "Why are you here?"
The great Dane says, "The woman who owns me is always walking around the house buck naked, and it’s been driving me crazy. Yesterday she dropped something on the floor, and when she bent over to pick it up I couldn’t help myself, so I mounted her."
The pit bull is mortified. "They’re putting you to sleep for THAT?"
The great Dane says, "Put to sleep? Oh no, I’m here to get my nails clipped."
The pit bull says, "There’s this little boy who lives next door to us, and he’s always climbing the fence into our yard. The last time he did it, he came over and yanked on my ears and it really hurt, so I bit him. Now I’m being put to sleep."
The great Dane expresses his shock at the unfairness of this. Then the pit bull asks, "Why are you here?"
The great Dane says, "The woman who owns me is always walking around the house buck naked, and it’s been driving me crazy. Yesterday she dropped something on the floor, and when she bent over to pick it up I couldn’t help myself, so I mounted her."
The pit bull is mortified. "They’re putting you to sleep for THAT?"
The great Dane says, "Put to sleep? Oh no, I’m here to get my nails clipped."
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