Keep Your Neon in Good Repair

Love Dress

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm wearing my love dress," responds the daughter-in-law, "We haven't made love in a long time."

So the mother-in-law says, "Hm, maybe I should try that."

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

"I'm wearing my love dress," says the wife.

"Well," responds the husband, "it needs to be ironed."

Support the Writers

Merry Christmas!

But I Thought Shrek was a Dude

A Simple Gift

What's the Rush?

Two iron workers were out walking home from work one afternoon.

"You know," said the first guy, "the second I walk in the door, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!"

"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.

"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me," he replied.

What Do You Think of That?

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said , "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."

"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as
if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Setting up a MySpace Account

Good Copy, Baby Cop

Third Date

The Landlord

Squirrel Problem

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The Blonde and the Video Rental

A blonde decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says.

"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.

"Head Cleaner," she replies.

Size Matters

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"

St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

America's Team?

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."

And it was good.

Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."

With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue.

God said, "Let it be called, 'The Dallas Cowboys' - America's team."

Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need a**holes."

So he created their fans.

Name that Animal, II

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"An a$$hole?" called out Eddie.

Order Up!

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"

The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"

Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill.

The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!"

The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts!"

Come This Way

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

Whose Turn To Do Dishes?

Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.

"All right," one of the girls said, "the first one to speak has to do them."

The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her bedroom.

Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and approached the second girl. Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.

When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove.

"Hey, where's the Vaseline?" he hollered from the kitchen.

"Oh, hell!" the male roommate said, jumping up. "I'll do the dishes."

Promise Not To Laugh?

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh."

The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small penis.

The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?"

The patient then said, "It's swollen."

Varm It

World's Best Trained Dog

What Firefighters Have to Put Up With

As seen on the local news...

Need Some Help?

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by.

Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch".

"But I'm not pregnant," she says.

"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.

Hate That Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Who's the Dummy?

A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"

"Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"

"Shut up, buddy," the hick replied, "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

Top 30 Rejected Childrens Books

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It-Myself Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. Mommy's Pills Taste Just Like Candy
30. Learn How To Fly With Just a Ladder and a Pillowcase

Wet Paint

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.

The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?"

He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make me a cup of coffee instead."

Theology in the Time of Need

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38.
Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."

Naughty Words

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "!#%$#" and "*$#@$!"
scrawled all over the blackboard.

"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."

At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes."

All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But below them was the message: "F#*@ you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"

Miracle Drug

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"

What Kind of Place Is This?

A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go's on and there is Bill Clinton about to give a speech.

The man yells, "There's a horse's ass". A guy gets up and punches him and leaves.

Then when Hilary Clinton came on he said the same, "There's a horse's ass..." He then got punched by yet another local.

So he picks himself up and says to the bartender, "What is this, a Clinton country?"

The bartender says "Nope. Horse country."

Now There's a Twist...

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.

"Would you rike to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR rittle pigs . . . "

Pee-eww!

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

Red Spot

A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to give him hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot painted on his dash and asks him what it's for.

He replies "Oh that's a conversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lots of action that way."

The other driver thinks that's a great idea so he paints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking so he picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks him what it's for. He says "It's a conversation piece. You wanna f*ck?"

Arnold Calling Gateway

Nice fake prank with creative animation...

Some Old Bull

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture, he starts servicing the cows.

At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks, "Why are you doing that?"

The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!"

Caliendo Does Bush

Man in the Box

Isn't taking offense a personal decision?

The Absent Minded Nurse

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.

"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Trick or Treat or Trick or Treat or ...

The trick-or-treater knocked on the front door dressed in boxing gloves and satin shorts.

"Who are you?" asked the homeowner, handing out the goodies.

"I'm Sylvester Stallone as Rocky!" he proclaimed proudly.

About fifteen minutes later, the doorbell rang again.

"Say, aren't you the same 'Rocky' who here a few minutes ago?" asked the homeowner, growing suspiciously.

"Oh, no," he replied, "that was Rocky I. Now I'm the sequel! And I'll be coming back three more times tonight!"

DIY All Wheel Drive

Courtesy of your friend and mine, Red Green...

Best Wishes

We had a 'going away' party yesterday for a lady in our office. One of the supervisors called the Wal-Mart here in Greeneville, TN, to order the cake. He told them to write: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that write 'We will miss you.'

As the picture shows, it didn't quite turn out right. It was too funny not to keep it."

Just Say Goodnight

Some folks just can't take a hint when to just leave...

TGIF

Local police arrested two kids yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, and the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

-------------------------------------------------------

Michael was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his diligence, he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me."

-------------------------------------------------------

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Mental Agility

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a test of their mental agility. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Benefits of Mother's Milk Compared to Cow's Milk

1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.
5. It comes in such cute containers.

The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

The Splint

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE !"

Pants

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.

The first thing he notices about her, though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

Strategy

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'...and she's always sound asleep!"

Backwards?

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "Perhaps you should wear your trousers backwards."

The Harmonica

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

Nice Ride

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

Bribery

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied.

"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!"

"I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyer's name!"

Two for Thursday

Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

The Dentist Trip

A man and wife entered a dentist's office.

The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocaine because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

What'll It Be?

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Oopsie!

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and honked his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'A$$HOLE!' afterwards!"

Thirsty

A Koala was sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.


After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Duuuuuuuuuude..... How much water did you drink?"

The Blonde Swimmer

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second.

The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked: "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

Twins

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."

So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the sisters says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other one says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"

Eternal Bliss

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.

"Are you joking? It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. How do you expect me to get a lawyer!"

Well Equipped

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"

Passport, please

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't

• I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
• Mind if I use your laptop?
• Put this in my box before you leave.
• I want it on my desk now!
• Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid.
• My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!
• It's an entry level position.
• When do you think you'll be getting off today?
• It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!

On, Wisconsin!

A guy walks into a Wisconsin bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing an Iowa football jersey and helmet, and is festooned
with Iowa pom-poms.

The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to
leave."

The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the
TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we
can see the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning
him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any
trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar
and watch the game.

The big game begins with Iowa receiving the kickoff. They
march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and
down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's the most amazing thing I've ever
seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

The owner replies,

"I don't know, I've only had him for three years."

Mother Teresa?

Two GIs were wandering the streets of Calcutta when an old woman walked by.

"Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa."

"Your nuts."

"I'm telling you."

So they approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?"

The old lady eyed them scornfully. "$!#@ off, you #@!*! perverts," she hissed, striding off.

"Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now we'll never know."

The Emporer's Phone Call

If you're not watching Robot Chicken on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, you're missing some hilarious stuff from Seth Green... Here is a sample from their Star Wars episode.

Hmmm, How to Decide...

A man has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She buys new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, home theater surround-sound system, and the latest cell phone and gives them all to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I'm investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Which girl should he decide to marry?

The one with the largest breasts.

Conditions

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch member."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

So a pirate walks into a bar...

... and swaggers up to the barkeep and demands a glass of rum. I believe his exact words were "Your rum or your life, dog, what'll it be?".

And so the bartender, being a reasonable fellow, makes no complaint but simply grabs a large glass, a bottle of fine dark rum, and begins to pour. And while he's waiting for the glass to fill, he sizes up the pirate, having never seen a real honest-to-God pirate before.

This pirate is in full pirate gear. Gold earrings, patch over the eye, a big filthy white blouse covering his swarthy chest, tattoos everywhere, all of it. But protruding from his pirate trousers is the unmistakable form of a steering wheel.

Well, the bartender sees that the glass of rum is just about topped off, so he passes the glass across the bar to the pirate, who nods curtly and takes a huge swig of the rum. Slapping a dubloon on the bartop, he turns to walk away, when our bartender's curiousity gets the best of him.

"Wait, one second. What's up with the steering wheel?"

And the pirate turns back and fixes him with a beady glare from his lone eye. "Arrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day! Arrrggh!

Name that Animal

Q: What has four legs and eight arms?

A: A pit bull at a children's playground.

The Rookie

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

Texas Baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

Better Than Old Times

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

Inaccuracies In The Paris Hilton Interview

Best in Show

There was a kilt-wearing Scotsman who was too drunk to walk home from the pub. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. He would walk home the next morning after he was sober, he thought.

In the morning two little girls are walking by on their way to school when they see the sleeping man wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decides to lift up his kilt. She sees he's not wearing anything underneath, so she takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school.

After a little while, the man wakes up and nature is calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his Scottish accent, "Wee man, I don't know where ya been, but ya won first prize!"

Pillow Talk

New Bride: Is this really your third marriage?

Husband: Sure is.

New Bride: What happened to your first two wives?

Husband: They died.

New Bride: How did your first wife die?

Husband: She ate some poisonous mushrooms.

New Bride: What about your second wife?

Husband: She died from a severe skull fracture.

New Bride: How did she get a skull fracture?

Husband: She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

You Wish What?

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

A correspondent from Fox News, one from CNN, and a tough old U.S. Marine Gunny were
all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists
told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded .

The Fox News said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last
bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling
who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said,
"Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take
out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's
about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know
that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is
your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9
mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the
resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis
were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask
them to kick you in the ass first?"

What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report
that I was the aggressor?

Super-size me!

A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. "What's this!?" demands the grandfather.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Gramps.

The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh, big enough to fit a camel."

Horse and Chicken

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his member and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Having a Great Time...

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Last Wishes

A correspondent from Fox News, one from CNN, and a tough old U.S. Marine Gunny were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The Fox News man said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

The CNN reporter said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis
were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the reporters, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

What," replied the Marine, "and have you two a-holes report that I was the aggressor?

Miss America Contestant Nails Answer

She should run for office.

Heaven and Hell

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"

St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven."

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"

"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!"

The Wine Tasting

Hilary Clinton goes into a bar...

Hilary Clinton goes into a bar with a goose. The bartender comes up to her and says, "I'm sorry, but you can't bring that pig in here."

Hilary answered, "Excuse me, but this is a goose."

So the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."

Bad Weather

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

Without looking up, my loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

CSI?

My Dad is a Father...

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar............

The Front Fell Off

This guy is supposedly an Australian Senator. More like a character from a Monty Python skit.

Post Turtle

The pollster came to town and popped in to the local watering hole to ask locals about their opinion of how good a job Bush is doing in the White House. One old man said "Well, ya know, Bush is nuthin' but a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant the pollster asked him what a "post turtle" was.

The man replied "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."

No Voice

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what he would like in a woman. He pointed to his head. His friend explained that he wanted a smart woman. Then, he rubbed his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend explained that he wanted a woman with money. Then, he opened his hands wide, bent his fingers, and made them cupped. He bounced them under his chest. His friend looked at him kinda weird.

"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

Old but Funny

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles."

"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.

Fashion Statement

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of pantyhose.

He says "When did you start wearing those?"

To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

Why is it...

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than
to improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Stephen Colbert on The O'Reilly Factor

Seeing Eye Dog

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.

"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"

The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."

"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?"

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Gorilla Problems

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

The Party to Whom I'm Speaking?

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gave her a call.

"Hello?" A woman answers.

God she sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.

I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I 'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".

The Accident

I rear ended a car a few days ago...I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

The Big Ranch in the Sky

A rancher from Western Texas died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery.

He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter...and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"

Can of Corn

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

Bottoms Up!

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"

"Fifty cents," the man answers.

Rubber

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

He's Crazy

Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 60-pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts!

The Confession

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"

Let's Be Honest

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, "I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker." The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, "I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town."

The Parapalegic

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Buckle Up!

Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Dallas Cowboys Receiver Terrell Owens and asked that he fasten his seat belt. "Superman don't need no seat belt," Owens growled.

"Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need no airplane, either!"

If at first you don't succeed...

then skydiving isn't for you.

Telepathic Watch

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

Say it With Flowers

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

She rolled her eyes and said, "Here comes the jerk with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

Her friend promptly replied, "Don't you have a vase?"

Battle of the Sexist Jokes

If men had PMS, what would happen?

a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent
disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said "Implants?"

Nun Too Pleased

Three Hells Angels are sitting at the counter in a diner when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got drunk off our asses."

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my old lady next year."

Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.

In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry my mom."

The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards please pass the salt."

Close Encounters

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.

"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.

"Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.

"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?"

The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."

The Stutterer

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"

World Affairs, eh?

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.

"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"

"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."

"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beirut?"

Anjelah Johnson - Nail Salon

Are you Prepared?

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

Fill 'er up!

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What are
you doin?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says,
"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The
milkman filled her this morning."

Do You Remember What Day It Is?

"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to
her husband as he made his way out the front door.

The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:
"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that,
he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the
door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed
red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite
chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer
dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied
that he had recovered what could have been a very bad
situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the
chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never
had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Chad Vader

The Force is strong in Darth's younger brother Chad, but his managerial (and people) skills? Not so much.

Price Check

Norm walks over to the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him.

He stops, bangs on the window and says, "So, what does this cost?"

The hooker replies, "25 dollars!"

So Norm says, "Gee, that's a good deal for insulated windows!"

Wrong Gift

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.

The note read:

Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift. The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love, Bobby

PS:The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.

Twofer Thursday

First man: How'd you get that black eye?
Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore.
First man: She punched you?
Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.

--------------------------------------------------------

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

Recurring Revenue

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

The Anniversary Gift

For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France.

After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was
the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!"

Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"

The Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess;
the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their
arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline
personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route,
he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in
at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she
sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign
on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Get Your Coat

In the dead of winter, a husband said to his wife "Get your coat on dear, it's time to go to the tavern."

She replied "But you NEVER take me out."

"I'm not," said the husband, "but I'm turning the heat off before I go."

Dining with Bill

Bill Clinton walks into a restaurant in New York with his wife Hilary. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," answers the former President.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answered Bill, "she'll order for herself."

A Little Help

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

Starting a Flap

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

They were the best-behaved class in the school for the rest of the year.

Been There, Done That

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

Overheard on an Airplane

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

Playing House

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Hunting with Cheney

Dick Cheney and an old buddy went away on their annual hunting expedition, and by accident, Cheney shot his friend. The Vice President was able to get him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?"

"Hard to tell, Mr. Vice President ," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you hadn't gutted him first."

Tennis Lesson

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your boyfriend's member".

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."

Playing Cards with the Colonel

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge.

The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the
door ajar.

When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it - this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

Nice View!

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Works EveryTime!

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

Playing Married

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

We Don't Sell to Blondes

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Big Apple

A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.

'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.

The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.

The Examination

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an wrinkled old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Puzzled Doctor

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his member has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, "I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?"

The man says no. The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, "Nothing."

The doctor is really puzzled now and says, "You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?"

The man replies, "Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos."

The Fishing Rod

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and
reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know
which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over
to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll
drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you
need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway. He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare
graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg. test
line. It's a good all around combination,and it's on
sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll
take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the
salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed
but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman
could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be
$58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did
you get to $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

A Riddle

Solve this rebus. Answer below.

Blonde Deodorant

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

Hey, That's Funny! uh, Wait a Sec...

Boss (too employee): You know, experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing.

Employee: Is that so?

Boss: Knock, knock.

Employee: Who's there?

Boss: You're fired.

A Ripe Old Age

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin!"

10 Indications that You're Extremely Lazy

1. You don't have the drive and motivation to complete even the simplest of tasks like, uh, like,... ah, forget it. I wonder what's on TV?

A Duck walks into a bar...

Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread

[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread

[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!

[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any f*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail your f*****g bill to this bar.


[Finally, after a few more minutes]

Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?

Defending a Shark Attack

"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark
attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend
that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as
possible."

"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."

Two for Friday

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"

Public Service Announcement

IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS


Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed!!

There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere!

It goes by the street name "Beer".

All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

Please forward this link to everyone in your address book.