Panic!

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

Fifth Sense

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."

Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Keeping up With the Jolie

Not to be outdone by Angelina and Brad, Matt Damon was recently spotted with his 11 adopted accessories...

Limbering Up

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

Where y'all from?

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"

The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

Flowers for the Altar

Easter is approaching. Father O'Malley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar.

The Catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.

The Protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small."

But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!

Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the contract. On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Malley's last reservations are discarded.

When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription: "Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."

A Sight to Behold

The rather well-proportioned & near-sighted lady spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan.

After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week."

"What difference does it make?" she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"

More Q and A

Q: What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?

A: Coincidence on 34th Street.

Investment Tips for the Rest of 2008

For all of you with any money left...

Merrill Lynch has just announced that it will be acquired by Bank of America.

Given the current economic situation, we can expect further merger and acquisition (M&A) activity. You can make a mint by anticipating these further mergers. Invest at your own risk!

Watch for these consolidations in the last quarter of 2008 -

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Cracker Barrel join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dupont, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDuDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBang Bang

Man Problems?

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Gratitude for a Shrink

"Mr. Jones," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."

"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.

"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."

"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."

"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."

"I know," Jones said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?"

"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a new DVD player."

Reunion Story

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Twice a Day

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.

"That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,"
says the man.

"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to get ahold of yourself."

"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."

On Sale?

Why do Jewish Women prefer circumcised men?

Because they can't resist anything that's 10% off.

W.T. Fire Alarm

The Halloweenie Costume

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Doing the Honors

Bill Clinton and his wife are at the first game of the World Series.

At the start of the game the pitcher comes up in the stands and whispers something in his ear. All of a sudden Clinton looks at Hillary and yells, "Okay, Hillary, GET OUT!".

She looks surprised but leaves. The pitcher looks at Clinton and says, "No, I said to throw out the first PITCH!"

Nurse Jenny

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

How High Can You Go?

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"

The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."

"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.

"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously.

"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"

"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal"

"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could be elected Pope, but..."

So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"

"What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"

The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of our boys made it."

Yanking the Cord

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house.

"You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

Resisting Temptation?

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and we decided to get married.

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was my finance's younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 20 years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. Once my girlfriend announced our plans, her sister would regularly bend down near me and I enjoyed many pleasant views. It had to be deliberate -- I didn't notice her doing this near anyone else.

One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me -- just once -- before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and began walking toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"

The moral of the story?

Be smart, like me. Always keep your condoms in your car.

Signs of the Times, pt III

Signs of the Times, pt II

No guilt or anything...

Service?

Uh, no comment

Bait Rental? Frozen Kayaks?

Good Eats!

Signs of the Times

Is Yer Pappy Home?

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy opened the door.

"Is yer dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "is yer mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with mom and dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take message fer pa."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

"Whul," the boy said after considering that for a moment, "you would have to talk to pa about that. But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I have no idea how much he gets fer Howard."

Just Approved by the FDA

Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
It comes with a 16 inch applicator.

Simplifying Politics

You Suck

Sucks to be this guy...

You Want to be a What?

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.

A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."

The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?"

The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."

"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

New Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess;
the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Three Wise Firemen

While visiting a small Southern town, I was admiring a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

Bank Robbery

at IndyMac...

What's the Difference?

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?

At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Confession

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.

Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

Rapid Troop Deployment

No US troops were harmed in the making of this video...

A Fitting Tune

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs
to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The
substitute wanted to know what to play.

'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think
of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'
During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please
stand up.'

At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner'.
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Comparing Athletic Husbands

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer."

"What does that mean? He putters around?" asked the others.

"No: He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500."

"Does that mean he has to take frequent pit stops?" the others wondered.

"No: Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic sprinter."

"Because he gives you a gold medal performance every time?" the others asked in anticipation.

"No: He's got his time down to under 11 seconds."

Question of the Day

Why are men like pantyhose?

They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

The Olympic Spirit

What NBC chose not to air for some reason...

Hearing Aid

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.

What Would YOU do?

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

Rollin' With Saget

Language.

Cure fo a Headache

Fred was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got an awesome cure for a headache," said his buddy Frank. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet BJ. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Frank. "Yeah" said Fred, "It worked great! Your house is nice, too!"

Poor Choice of Words

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.

Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops."

Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?"

He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

Corrective Surgery

When the man first noticed that his member was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

Not Doing Too Bad

A man went to the doctor for a check up.

"How do you feel?" asked the doctor.

"Fine." he replied.

After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?"

"About two or three." the man replied.

"You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month."

The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?"

"About two or three times." the man answered again.

"I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that."

"I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

Quickies

Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A:They drowned in Spring training.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but maybe for the toaster."

Insane Moron Thinks Rainbows are a Government Conspiracy

What're We Talking About?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again.

Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

iPhone Arm

Helping in a Time of Need

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.

I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help.

It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

Constipation

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Fan-Sexist-Four

You Can't Eat That Here!

Dr. Phil Calling

Fun with a sound board...

Winning the Lottery

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Little Rock to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!

3 Men and the Mermaid

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?"

She replied, "no sir!"

So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?"

"Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied.

The second man went out to her and asked,"Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?"

"No sir," she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked, "How did you like that?"

She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir."

The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been screwed?"

"No sir," she replied.

He said, "Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!"

Top 5 Laziest Inventions

The Top 5 Laziest Inventions

Groverfield

No Shirt, No... what?

All the Same

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"

"Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew."

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg - no mattah ... all da same."

Can't Stop

Kathy went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt. He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.

"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.

"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been doing it a lot doggie style."

"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."

"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd knows how."

Classified Ad

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: "Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed."

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

"I'm here about your ad," he says.

"You must be mistaken," she says.

"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."

"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Big Hole

One day Little Sally is in his back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor, seeing her there, decides to investigate.

"Whatcha doin?" he asked. Cute little Sally replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.

Sally shot back, "That's because he's inside your f***in' cat!"

How Not To Use The Drive Through ATM

Observations on Marriage

1. Marriages are made in heaven. But, so are thunder and lightning.

2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

3. Marriage is grand —- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - Either the car is new or the wife is.

6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

9. Marriage and love are purely matters of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Insane Car Battery Hack

Army Airborne vs. Air Force

The Army Airborne Major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force Sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

First Round Draft Pick?

Words of Wisdom

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Thank You Letter

Dear Reyer School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces.

It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go f*ck herself.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston

Charge?

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

Best Little Podiatrist in Texas...

An extremely drunk man looking for a brothel stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his member and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screams the nurse on duty.

"Damn!" the drunk exclaims, "I never knew you had a minimum!"

What're You In For?

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

Airline Food

Tower: "American 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

American 702: "Tower, American 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "United 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from American?"

United 635: "United 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied American and we've already notified our caterers."

Happy Fortieth

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Nudge Nudge Wink Wink

Since he was young, Joe had always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid.

Fred had a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

The Talk

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love...... He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Have You Ever Seen This Before?

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

The Lord's Prayer

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

Cross Examination

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

What's In A Name

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."

The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown."

"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you."

Expert Advisor

A man brags to his buddy, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my f---ing advice, they'd let me know."

He Said, She Said

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't that heavy.

GIRL : Why don't you ever say you love me?
BOY : OK, You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY : That's the least I could do, what's your phone number?

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?

BOY : I love you so much I would die for you!
GIRL : When?

BOY : I love you so much I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : I'll help you pack.

MAN : When I look in your eyes, I'm reminded of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm restless, romantic and exciting?
MAN : No, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of CO-INCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Rollerblading

Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents you're gay.

The Bum

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

The Scuba Diver

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Animal Identification

Q: What has four legs and eight arms?

A: A pit-bull terrier at a kid's playground.

Good Time

Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care.

The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time?

"Oh", sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time."

"I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!"

3 Priests...

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.

The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty.

The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.

The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?

The Blind Clerk

A man was in a hardware store looking at a fishing pole that he really liked. He asked the guy behind the counter how much it was he said "I'm blind, but if you drop it on the ground I can tell you."

He dropped it on the ground. "That pole is $10" said the blind clerk.

The man went to bend down to pick it up, and when he did, he accidentally let go of a big audible fart. But, really wanting the fishing pole, he picked it up anyway and went to pay for it.

"That will be $20" said the clerk.

"But you said $10!" protested the man.

"Yeah - $10 for the pole, and $10 for the stink bait and duck call."

New Position

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.

Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

Motion Sick

On a cross-country bus trip, Mary became extremely queasy due to motion sickness.She make her way to the restroom,only to find it locked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried to fight off the nausea. Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the right and threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was therefore unaware of what had happened.

When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit. Turning to him, Mary said, "There now, are you feeling better?"!

Affairs of State

When George W. Bush was getting off of Air Force One in Israel recently, he walked passed the Israeli Prime Minister, who didn't seem to notice him. W turned to the PM and said, "Hi there, it's me, George Bush, the President of the USA. Why didn't you greet me?"

The Prime Minister replied, "The last time the leader of Israel spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"

How Do You Get to Des Moines?

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices.

He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

Transferral

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mail man dead on the porch.

Hold on While I Figure This Out

While recently riding on the bus standing up, a woman grabbed onto the
pole nearest her to keep herself steady while the bus traveled down the road.
She soon noticed a young man, who was also hanging on to the same pole, staring
at her. Although this was somewhat annoying, she decided to just look the other
way.

Soon the bus came to a stop. Clearing his throat, the young man said, "Excuse
me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, the woman was slightly confused. "Well," she
said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," the young man said.

The woman was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it
at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain.”

Bonus Joke for Friday

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Hello, Tech Support?

Punjab, India




I don't quite understand you, do you hear interference on YOUR END?

Speeding Blonde

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver--"PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

Interesting Statistic...

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

Age Old Wisdom

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Very Big of Me

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife."

"That's true," he replied, "as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives."

"How disgusting," she said, "you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung."

With a slight grin, he just said, "Yes, it is, and yes, I am."

Spoils of War

During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"

So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"

She replied, "In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"

Too Important to Bust

Pope Benedict arrived in New York, and waited on the curb as his luggage was loaded into the limo.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,' Would you please take your
Seat so we can leave?'

'My son,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

Not wanting to deny the Pontiff, the driver reluctantly got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Benedict floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. In no time, they heard sirens.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The President?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

Academic Standards

At Texas Tech, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the Coach Knight came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this University."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the Coach Knight said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

Political Bus Wreck

A campaign bus carrying Hilary Clinton and her entourage was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried Hilary and her crew. A few days later, the FBI came out searching for Hilary, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the passengers had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead? Even Hilary?"

The old farmer said, "Well, she said she wasn't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Fun Game for Guys

Hey, here's a fun game! Try to spot the brunette in this video. I'm told there is one. No, really!

The Bump

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

EFF the Earth Day

Warning: Language.

Ask A Pharmacist

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

Birth Defect

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

"Why?" asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

Married Life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again...

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ? '

Now That's Lazy

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

Successful Date Criteria

Age Criteria
--- --------
17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back your therapy.
48 You didn't have to meet her kids.
66 You got home alive.

Phone Home

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

Just Checking

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery.

As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"

The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"

This week

I'm out of town for a few days, so posts this weeks will be sporadic at best.

Remember to check out the archives. Keep Laughing!

-- 'slug

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

-- Douglas Adams

So it is written...

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"

Shut the Blinds

One neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you making love to your wife."

Joe responds "The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."

Shakesperean Perspective

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at the bowlegged man."

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play. Finally he finished and his mom took him out again to the mall shopping. Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time.

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

Don't Drink and Talk

Words that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

• Indubitably
• Innovative
• Preliminary
• Proliferation
• Cinnamon

Words that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

• Specificity
• Constitution
• Passive-aggressive disorder
• Loquacious
• Transubstantiate

Words that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

• Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
• Nope, no more booze for me
• Sorry, but you're not really my type
• Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

State Capitals

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

Amen!

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Presidential Solution

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Aerobics?

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

Fore!

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out.

Then the wife said, "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the first doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her stone dead.

Well, about a year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results: a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says, "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."

"No way," replies the man, "I tried that last year and got a 7."

Bucket and Saucer Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

Before and After

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy hag".

Do you Know Me?

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me? 'She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney almost
died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said;

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'

Evidence

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Parents Outsourcing Childcare

Irish Pub Sausage

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!'

Too Many Stupid Thoughts

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
8. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months?
9. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
10. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
11. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
12. A will is a dead giveaway.
13. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
14. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
15. The guy who fell into the upholstery machine was fully recovered.
16. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'Taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
21. To jump off a Paris bridge you must be in Seine.
22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Hearing Aide

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.

When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."

A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida."

The old lady comments, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'" The old lady nods her head, "Yup."

The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst lay I ever had in Florida."

The old lady replies, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

Most Important Issue For 2008 Election

Career Day

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

The Owl and the What?

Curious George - The True Story

Hooked on Phonics

Billy is five years old and learning to read. He points at a
picture in a zoo book and says, "Look, Mama! It's a frickin'
elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

"A f r i c a n Elephant."

Chelsea's Date

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.

Hillary asked, "You didn't have sex, did you?"


Chelsea replied, "Not according to Dad."

Unnecessary Censorship

The Trade

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.

On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the other one got, so, they traded.

That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.

"Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"

"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"

Senior Driver

Ol' Gramps was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say 'idiot!' afterwards."

Name the Animal

Little Johnny's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out Johnny.

Dying Wish

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

Getting a Prompt Response

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police,
who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they
said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his
door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry
about them nowbecause I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two
fire trucks, a* *paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd
shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

Literal Interpretation

A teacher noticed that little Johnny at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did", he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Rest in Peace

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the food industry. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high
with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

10 Things I Hate About The Commandments

Border Patrol

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Fore!

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'