Day After Christmas

It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco.

The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle. He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?" asked the pastor.

The little boy replied, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed and I told
Jesus if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride in it!"

The Substitute

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Who’s Jimmy Poole?" This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, you’re staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and sees written, "It Pays To Advertise."

What Will You Leave Behind?

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the grandson did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"

Is There No End to This Crap?

Yet More Cartoons of the Season

More Cartoons of the Season

Cartoons of the Season

Term Paper

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. 'But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?' As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. 'Well,' he responded, 'I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.'

Redneck Honeymoon

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

Haircut of the Year

Dirty URLs?

These sites sound dirty, but aren't really...


Site: GotAHoe.com
Is really: GoTahoe.com (Lake Tahoe Visitors Bureau)

Site: PenisLand.net
Is really: PenIsland.net (sells custom pens)

Site: TheRapistFinder.com
Is really: TherapistFinder.com (directory of therapists)

Site: ExpertSexChange.net
Is really: ExpertsExchange.net (data base experts site)

Site: WhorePresents.com
Is really: WhoRepresents.com (directory of agents and who they represent)

Site: PowerGenitalia.com
Is really: PowergenItalia.com (Italian power company)

Site: MolestationNursery.com
Is really: MoleStationNursery.com (a plant nursery in Mole Station, Australia)

Site: DollarSexChange.com
Is really: DollarsExchange.com (currency trading site)

and...

Site: CummingFirst.com
Is really: CummingFirst.com (yeah, well, it's the Cumming, Georgia, First Methodist Church!)

Another Census Taker Joke

A census taker, while scanning over the form to see if all spaces had been properly filled in, noticed the figures 120 and 112 under the headings, "Age of Father, if living.", and "Age of Mother, if living."

"Are your parents really that old?" asked the amazed Census Taker.

Came the reply, "Sure, if they were living."

Bathroom Humor

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian. All are at the urinals.

The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves. He says to the others, “In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.”

The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean. He says, “At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware.”

The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.

The Aussie says over his shoulder, “In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.”

Parrot Pun

Just watch...

What Else Is In A Name?

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

What's In A Name?

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy'?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...

10. Hey! Now there's a gift!

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this.

The New Guy

All the guys in the department met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked the new guy, Tom, to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. Tom replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be six minutes late.

On Saturday morning, Tom was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round. The following Saturday rolls around, and Tom says that he will be there, but he may be six minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left-handed, and again wins the round.


This continues for the next few weeks, with Tom always saying that he may be six minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing either left or right handed. The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, "Tom, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

"Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy," Tom replied. "Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed. It gives me good luck, and because of that I usually win."

"OK," one of the employees questioned. "But what happens if your wife is laying on her back?"

"In that case," Tom says, "I am six minutes late."

A Little Sensitivity Pays Off

Three Rednecks were working on a tall TV tower, Catfish, Hoss and Bubba. Catfish fell off and was killed instantly.

As the ambulance took the body away, Hoss says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Hoss says, "Where did you get that beer, Bubba?"

"Catfish's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.

"That's unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Catfish's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

Turn Downs

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

2. Memorable rebuttal to a turn down:

Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

4. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

5. Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.

6. After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at!?"

My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once...

When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

11. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

Teaching Sure is Complicated Anymore

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets
his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees
his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best
friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them
with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in
class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra
money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and
becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and
joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers
being abused her self and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with
psychologist.


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to
school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking
dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a
special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies
the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without
her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more
careful next time.


Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles
appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school
system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living
because he can't speak English.



Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers
confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed
to fly again.



Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison.

Your Tax Dollars at Work

Mark Foley looks up from his desk to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the Congressman.

"It's this internet pornography bill, Mr. Foley. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the Congressman.

Can You Tell the Difference?

Q: What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?

A: One is a flaming fascist gasbag full of hot air, and the other is a dirigible.

Finders Keepers!

A couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. They had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home an armored car passed by and a bag of money fell out, practically at Sally's feet. She picked it up and not knowing what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: $100,000.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back!"

Sally said, "finders keepers," and put the money back into the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it in the attic!"

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...."

The first FBI agent interrupted him with a heavy sigh and turned to his partner. "I told you this was a waste of time. Let's go."

How Often?

89-year-old Fred kept himself in excellent physical shape. In fact, may people mistook him for a mere 60 years of age.

When he met Barbara, an attractive 57 year old woman, they instantly hit it off. As they got to know each other better, Fred asked her how she enjoys sex.

"Infrequently" replied Barbara.

"Is that one word, or two?" asked Fred.

The Lord Will Provide

Old Mrs. Johnson awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Johnson replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Johnson to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Johnson had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

Time to Quit Drinking

Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.

He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.

The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"

20 Questions

Two Canadians get bored during a long car trip and start playing 20 questions.
The first guy thinks of a moose turd and tells the other to start guessing.

"Is it something you can eat?" his friend asks.

The first guy chuckles and replies, "I guess you could eat it, if you really wanted to."

The friend asks, "Is it a moose turd?"

Are You Going to Read This, Or What?

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him, and it's been going on for the last seven months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife goes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore?

The wife tells him, "For the last seven months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see, doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it anymore."

The doctor thinks about her story for a moment and then puts his billing sheet down on the counter and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Feel Like A Woman

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Sandwich Shop Menu

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in a deli window that says, Cheese Sandwich – $1.00, Ham Sandwich – $2.00, Hand Job – $10.00. The man walks in and approaches the incredibly attractive girl working the counter.

"Are you the one who gives the $10.00 hand job?" he asks, to which she replies, "Why, yes I am, how can I help you?"

"Go wash your hands, I want a ham sandwich."

Confucius Say...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Man who puts member in Peanut Butter jar is F#*king Nuts.

Not As Advertised

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk.

"Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

Funeral for a Pet

Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your #$%^! cat."

The Corvette

A senior citizen in Tennessee bought a brand new Corvette convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," then thought as he roared up I-94. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Tennessee State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

WWJD?

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

The Hearing Test

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response, so the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, What's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, What's for dinner?" Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

It's What's For Breakfast

My wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Then I walked in.
She turned to me and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all - right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

The Shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

General Retirement

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.

The two generals were very happy with their earnings.

Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his scrotum. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''

The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''

The general said, ''Just do it!''

The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls?''

The general said, ''I left them back in Iraq.''

You Can't Take It With You - Or Can You?

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Merry Thanksgivoween!

What Does This Button Do?

A man traveling on a new modern plane was in urgent need of using the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied.

The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room but she cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons.

The man agreed and rushed into the restroom to relieve himself.

He noticed four buttons marked "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR". Making a fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman says, the man allowed his curiosity to get the best of him and decided to try to the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button, marked "WW", and immediately warm water sprayed his entire bottom.

He thought," Golly, the gals really got it made".

Still curious, he pressed the second button, marked "WA", and warm air dried his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that was out of this world.

The button marked "PP" caused a large powder puff to powder his bottom with a sweet smelling silky powder.

Well naturally he couldn't resist pressing the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a plane."

The nurse replied "Yes, and you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button"

"What the hell does "ATR" stand for?" asked the man.

"Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

I'm Switching HMOs

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was playing with himself furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

I Had a Dream Last Night...

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmud replies, "ALLAH IS GOD, GOD IS ALLAH."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What could you see on the banners?" Mahmud says. Bush replies, "I don’t know, I can’t read Hebrew."

Corporate Zodiac

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

Affectionate Pet

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only $20! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.


...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

Blonde Traffic Stop

A blonde was driving down the freeway when she was pulled over by a blonde police officer. The blonde officer approached the vehicle and told the driver she was speeding and needed to see her driver’s license. The blonde asked what was that. "A square thing in your purse with your picture on it," replied the blonde officer. The driver pulled out her compact and handed it over to the officer. The officer looked at it and said, "My God, if I would have known that you were a police officer I would have never pulled you over!"

The Tie

A fleeing Al Quedan, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.
The Muslim asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."
The Muslim shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need."
The Muslim staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.
Four hours later the Muslim came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.
The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"
"I found it all right," rasped the Muslim. "Bastard wouldn't let me in without a tie."

The Obituary

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read, 'Fred Brown died.'"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died; golf clubs for sale.'"

Show Me Those Figures

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.


He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"


The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

That Didn't Come Out Right...

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...

* I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.


* I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." !


* My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


* Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan my, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


* This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!


* While on a flight from New York , the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses and half of the passengers were laughing all the way .

Be Nice to Animals!

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little ticked off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it.

When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks one of them.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy.

His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat.

The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde woman was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"


The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. More incredibly, lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs!

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts, "DAMN IT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!?"

Last Day on the Job

On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a young housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two dollars.

"Jeez," says the mailman. "This is great, but what's with the two dollars?"

"Well," she replies, "since you're retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, "Screw him - give him a couple of bucks. - Breakfast was my idea."

Patriot's Day

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern time / 1 PM Pacific all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your Patriotic sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America.

DFW Air Control

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised "

Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great "

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC - DALLAS ATC"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE.

Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?

That's Grrrrrrreat!

A blonde lady calls her boyfriend and asks him to come over and help her put together a puzzle that she is having trouble with. He asks her what the puzzle was supposed to be and she says, "A tiger, I think."

The boyfriend comes over and takes a look at the table where the puzzle is spread out. He says, "Honey, why don't you go get us some coffee and I’ll start putting the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

Eighteen ways to say he's dumb

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".
18. One burger short of a happy meal.

Sending a Woman on a Man's errand

At the hardware store, Judy saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
while she was waiting for Chuck, the manager, to finish waiting on a
customer.

When Chuck was finished, Judy asked how much for the teapot.
Chuck replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Judy exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bobby had sent her to buy,
and Chuck went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Chuck yelled, "Judy, you wanna screw for that
hinge?"

Judy replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

And that is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

Employment Question

Q: If big-breasted girls work at Hooters, where do one-legged girls work?

A: IHOP

A Woman with Everything

A man's boat capsizes in the middle of the ocean. He washes up on a deserted island with nothing but the clothes on his back. He builds a small shelter and finds food and water, but he misses civilization more with each passing day.

While walking on the beach one day, he sees a beautiful woman emerge from the ocean wearing a scuba tank and a wetsuit. She says, "You look like you could use a smoke." She unzips a pocket on one arm of her wetsuit, pulls a Cuban cigar from inside, and hands it to the man. The man smokes slowly, and tells her that it is the finest cigar that he has ever smoked.

"How about a drink?" the woman asks. She unzips another pocket, reaches in, and pulls out a small flask. "It's a 17-year-old, single malt scotch, aged in oak," the woman tells him. The man is almost beside himself with joy as he sips the drink.

The woman then begins unzipping the front of her wetsuit. "Want to play around?" she asks.

"Holy Cow!" the man says. "You have a set of golf clubs in there too?"

Pulling Rank

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could put
your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trayzy-poo,
so the main man can pit! ty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a queen, so I outrank
you."

"Tray up, bitch."

Allergies?

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue,
gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen
seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the
woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her
nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have
never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking
anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Full Disclosure

Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in
love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the
relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his lady
friend.

"I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd
better say so now."

"Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, here goes," she
replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," John replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your
left wrist straight on your follow-through."

Q: What's the difference...

... between a wife and a girlfriend?

A:About 45 pounds!

Q:What is the difference between a huband and a boyfriend?

A:About 45 minutes !

R.I.P. Bubba

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

I've Got a Tee Time...

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Golf and Prayer

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

The Golfer and St. Peter

A golfer gets up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St.Peter saw him coming and asked, "So you're a golfer, eh? Are you any good?"

To which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

What's Par?

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

Knowing your way around the course

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name
is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around
the course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight, that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up seven times!"

The Sign Interpreter

The New York mafia hires a deaf-mute man to collect its protection money, figuring he can’t sing if he gets caught. In his first week the collector picks up more than $50,000. The second week he stashes the money and tries to leave town, but the mafia guys catch him and use an interpreter to grill him.

"Ask him where the money is," says the don. The interpreter signs, "Where’s the money?"

The collector signs, "I don’t know what you’re talking about," and the interpreter says, "He don’t know what you’re talking about." The don then pulls out a .38 and puts it in the deaf guy’s ear.

"Now ask him where the money is."

The deaf man signs frantically, "It’s in Central Park, in the third tree stump on ..."

The interpreter says, "He says he still don’t know what you’re talking about, and that you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger."

When in Rome...

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The
second spy quickly shushes him and whispers, "Don't blow our cover. You're in
America now. Speak Spanish."

Anybody, Anytime, Anywhere

A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a good-looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

"Hi there, good looking. How's it going?" he asked.

The woman looked him straight in the eye and said:

"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!"

"No kidding!" said the man. "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Downsizing

The boss was in a quandary. He had to downsize somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision. They were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one to use the water cooler the next morning. Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like crap."

School Answering Machine

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California ) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.


The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the
teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up... and have a nice day!

Why Chuck Norris Totally Rules

1) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2) When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

3) Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

4) Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

5) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

6) If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you! in the face.

7) Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

8) Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

9) Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Then proceeded to roundhouse kick him in the face.

10) Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

11) Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

12) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

13) Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

14) Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

15) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

17) Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

18) Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

19) To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

20) There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

21) Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

22) There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

23) Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

24) The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

25) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

26) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

27) When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

28) It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

29) Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Wally's Rules for Looking Busy

1 - Never walk without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2 - Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3 - Keep a messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4 - Use voice mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want you to do work for them. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice-mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5 - Look impatient & annoyed.
One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6 - Leave the office late.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mail at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 p.m., 7:05 a.m., etc.) and during public holidays.

7 - Use sighing for effect.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8 - Opt for the stacking strategy.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9 - Build your vocabulary.
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember; they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10 - Don't get caught.
MOST IMPORTANT: Don't forward this page's URL to your boss by mistake!

Cannibal Cafe

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened
by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Lawyer: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the lawyer?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

A Little Sex

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the damn bed!"

I'm A Fan!

A first grade teacher in Knoxville, Tennessee, explained to her class
that she was a Tennessee fan. She asked her students to raise their
hands if they, too, were Tennessee fans. Everyone in the class raised

their hand except for one little girl.

The teacher looked at the little girl with surprise and said, "Janie,
why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I am not a Tennessee fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Tennessee
fan, what kind of a fan are you?"

"I'm a Memphis fan," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, WHY are you a Memphis fan?"

"Because my mom is a Memphis fan, my dad is a Memphis fan, so I am a
Memphis fan also."

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no
reason for you to be a Memphis fan. You don't have to be just like
your parents all the time. What if your mom was a stupid, arrogant
jackass and your dad was a stupid, arrogant jackass, what would you be
then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "We'd be Tennessee fans."

Cajun Pregnancy

Way down in Louisiana , Bubba's lady had been pregnant for some time, and
now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor
began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over
at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!"

"Aint dat grand!!" said Bubba, proudly.

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
"Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!! She a pretty lil ting,
too."

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet! "

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!"

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of
Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do. "

Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"

Boudreaux

Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows.

She whispers, "Twenty dollars."

He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the
hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a while when all of a sudden a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I until you shined that
light in her face."

The Blonde Game

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.

The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"

At that number, the blonde agrees.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.

"Got it," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.

Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"

She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

My Brother Does It

Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about 85 mph. Up comes a red light and Bob goes right through it.
Bill turnes to Bob and says, "What the hell are you doing?"

Bob says, "Don't worry�my brother does it all the time." So on they go, and � bam! � 85 mph through another red light!

Again Bob says, "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" Then they're driving along and coming up on another red light, and as soon as it turns green, Bob jams on the breaks and skids to a stop!

Bill looks over and says, "What the hell is wrong with you, you jerk? The damn light is green. Why did you stop?"

Bob says, "My brother may have been coming the other way!"

Tonto and the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes
the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Saby, look towards the sky -- what do you
see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you,
Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo patties. Someone stole the tent."

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow
me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and
made funny noises.

My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and
give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where
do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Employee of the Month

The Playboy Bunnies

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab. On their first night out they find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next day they find an entire field full of female rabbits. They all do what rabbits do best, and the trio sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says the first one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little girl rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

The Blown Job

A guy is spending the holidays with his girlfriend’s family. They’re sleeping in separate bedrooms, and one night before they go off to bed the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Baby, would you give me a blowjob?"

"Are you crazy?" she says. "My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

This goes on for a minute or two when, out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down and do it himself. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom...."

Celebration

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to lovely a female patron.

 

He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

 

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too".

 

She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

 

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

 

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!

 

How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

 

"I switched cocks," he replied.

 

"What a coincidence!" she said.

 

 

Our Aim...

Twenty Dollar Bills

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

17 Facts of Life

1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

 

2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

 

3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

 

4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

 

5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

 

6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

 

7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

 

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

 

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

 

10. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

 

11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

 

12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

 

13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

 

14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

 

15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

 

16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

 

17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.

 

Longer Password Required

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password... Something he will use to log on.

 

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the  shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

 

P...
E...
N...
I...
S...

 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

 

"PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH"

 

 

Magazine For Married Men

Cat Haikus

 

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

 

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

 

There's no dignity
In being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.

 

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.

 

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.

 

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.

 

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.

 

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.

 

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?

 

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

 

My affection is
conditional. Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.

 

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.

 

I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.

 

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

 

Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.

 

 

Caring Men

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Industrious Blonde

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decides to hire herself out as a handyman-type and starts canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She goes to the front door of the first house and asks the owner if he has any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," the man says. "How much do you charge?"

The blonde says, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agrees and tells her that the paint and ladders that she might need are in the garage. A short time later, the blonde comes back to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the man says. "Yes," the blonde answers, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reaches in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde adds, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Drugs are Bad, Mmm'Kay?

Two young guys are picked up by the cops for smoking dope – they appear in court on Friday. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

On Monday, the two guys are back in court. The judge says to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles like this - O o - and told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable!" the judge says. He turns to the second guy. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"One-hundred fifty six people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles - o O - and said, pointing to the small circle, "This is your rectum before prison..."

Hiring Practices

A man was hiring a new administrative assistant, and decided to test the honesty of the candidates. Before each one came in, he placed a $20 bill on the floor in front of his desk where they could see it, but he couldn't.

The first candidate came in, immediately picked up the money and gave it to him. The second didn't say anything, but kept glancing at the money. The third placed her handbag by the desk, and when she left, the man discovered the money was gone too.

Which candidate did the man hire?

The one with the biggest breasts.

My Patents

I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

Brokeback Sheriffs

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Jack because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Jack and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Jack snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Jack shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.? "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Jack into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."